half an hour

oops, been a week since my last time on here.

Bad Sue!

Again with the turning point thing in my life... I am getting a bit tired of momentous type decisions. Okay, so I am more tired of things being thrust upon me than I am of actually MAKING the choices I must make.

Today is my last day with 'my' theater ~ tear down this morning for the last show. While I am sad that we are finished, I am happy that it is over. All three shows was a bit much, and in the end, I barely made it...

when I get this tired, and I am in this much pain, little things upset me... VERY little things. Okay, the STUPID little things ~ **sigh**

Blake Shelton in the CD player, it is my first music CD purchase in a long time. Was a very good purchase ~ up until now, I've only heard him on the radio... his voice is a nice one to listen to.

Just figured out that Blake is going to be at the Evergreen State Fair... **sigh** tickets just cost way to much for this girl ~I'd love to go, but there isn't any way.

**Shrug** I have the CD, and intend to get more as time goes on. That is just going to have to be good enough.

Speaking of time, it is marching on, and I must be to work in about 15 minutes. Not much to do, but I have to do my part.

this post didn't even take me half an hour! wow. has to be a record.

**yawn** need more coffee, and now... I am off.

Positive Attitudes are a pain sometimes....

Today is honestly Sunday, but it is my Saturday. That being, I get to tear about like a mad woman and try to get a ton of things done... I am pretty sure that I will settle for getting some things done, ya know?

Listening to Pandora Radio (<<-- see the links on the left there) feeling a bit guitarish this morning. I have a nice guitar, though I can not remember how to play it really. If I pick it up, my fingers sometimes will do things on their own ~ its fun, but weird at the same time.

Been over to feed Budman and his cronies, we've a bale of nearly straight alfalfa ~ they were happily munching it when I left.

Kitties are sitting in the window watching the crazy dogs go running by while pulling their people. 'Tis a beautiful day out there today, typical of fall and not middle summer, and I've been able to leave the windows open this morning. As it is Sunday for reals, the car traffic is not as high as normal ~ tolerable noise levels there.

With only one more week of work with the theater, I am getting that funny feeling of worthlessness again. It is in the pit of my stomach, churning up the acids, making it a chore to eat, and brain numbingly terrifiying. It is hard to not be wanted for anything, ya know? It is harder to know that I can not really pay my own way in this world despite all the things I try to do. Sometimes, quite honestly, it comes down to the "why the hell do I even try" feeling, and it is hard not to give up.

So, with this thought in the back of my head, I know that I must try very hard not to give up to soon... have not give in yet, and the bills just keep piling up, and my health just keeps going to hell... but I can at least have a positive attitude about it all, right?

Right.

**sigh**

my Friday

though in the real world it is Saturday ~ I've mere hours before work.

My Friday includes matinees for the month of August ~ very hard on moi at this time, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I really like live theater, and want to learn more about the things I do...or am at least attempt to do anyways.

I must do what I do in a fairly decent manner, as no one tells me anything ~ could be that they are just putting up with me but hey... the only two that actually count (for me) say I am doing fine, so I go with that. I do know that they have had a lot worse than me...my insecurity in myself is showing, is it not?

**sigh** how DO I change that?

I've applied to Montana State, (Bozeman) though I do not know that I will have the money to go, it would be Fall of 2010. I have four classes that I must get out of the way here before I actually transfer there ~ I want to do the School of Film and Photography ~ though I find myself doubting that I have the talent to do it. My other thought is Native American studies ~ **shrug** going to have to firm up the thing in the next year.

I have to pay my mom back before I go ~ and with no child support any longer, I am really going to have a struggle. I find myself stuck in that weird place where I have to much or not enough education for local jobs ~ drives me insane. More than once in the past year I have also been the victim of racial discrimination ... something one does not think would be an issue, but it is alive and well.

as a side note, I am white, non-hispanic... :)

Time for brunch with the girls, for the first time in many many weeks we (all four of us) are all in the same place at the same time. Tomorrow we again scatter to the winds... one as far as Priest River in Idaho.

Thank the powers that be for the internet, eh? All now have small digital cameras for posting pictures, and cell phones for texts and tweets, wireless internet access for remote river children ... the split isn't quite so hard with such things, ya know? :)

How the hell did moms manage before such things? What did they do... **gasp** WRITE?

**falls over in a dead faint**

I don't know that I can actually use a pen anymore... hmmm... I wonder where my address book is...

:*

Saturday

argh.

Twitter is down again ~ silly thing. I am NOT addicted, no sirreeeeeeeee!

I must be off to the city now, I have things to get for the aminals, and my BigR is having their sale today. I was going to do the storage thing, but it is not working out easily ~ I have laundry to do, and someone else started theirs, even though I asked for the washer duties...

**sigh** living here is to much of a strain, I must go. I shall miss the perks (internet, and heat) but hey... one has to do what one has to do.

The ex called... no money this month for the kid.

AND he has a "sure fire" investment... WTF? so...

I'm off to the city. Later taters.

:*

Rose Stains...

forgive me for I have sinned...it has been three days since my last bit of nonsense...

**sigh**

busy three days too. At least I THINK it has been three days? Today IS the 13th right?

I think the biggest news is the trip to the Hinterlands ~ I've gone ahead and registered t3k (the third kid) in school up there ~ t1 and SIL are moving to Idaho, so I must needs get a place for the school year ~ do not know the feasiblity of such a thing, but I think I need to try. As long as I have sirius radio reception, snail mail for the netflix and internet access, I shall be okay.

LOL! I don't need my phone much anymore, it has become yet another thing to misplace. I think perhaps that once I live away from t2k I will use it more...

Now if only viggo would call... (please read this) ;)

Seems that Miss Piggy and Rose are all set to farrow, and Rose has decided that she does NOT want to farrow in her pen...

So, one night, SIL and T1k and visiting citified genetics researcher friend have to try to get Rose back into her pen.

Rose says, "No"

chase ensues. three normal sized humans chasing a three hundred pound pregnant pig around a one acre enclosure...

The horses line up on the fence, watching, snickering at the puny human efforts... they are busy taking bets on who is going to win this little rumble...

Each human now has a prodding tool ~ board to protect themselves, and a stick affair to poke.

thirty minutes into the fight, the humans are tired...

Rose is tired...

Rose gets angry when she is tired, and doesn't care who knows it.

Rose growls at the humans, challenging their puny efforts to cage her. She is PIG, hear her ROAR...

thirty minutes later, after many laps by pig and human around the field, the horses, bored, begin grazing about...still watching to see who wins the bets...

Rose, tired, and REALLY angry now, begins to drool...

**growl, drool, growl, drool**

Then Rose makes a mistake. She stops to rest in the entry to the pen. SIL grabs the fence, and literally bends it around her. (wire affair)

Rose, undaunted, hooks her nose under the panel and flips it, and SIL into the mud and other things that would make Mike Rowe very happy...

**growl, drool, sling drool all over the place**

T1k and citified genetics researcher friend laugh very very hard...

SIL vows to win... chases growling drooling spitslinger pig all over field...by himself.

T1k and citified genetics researcher friend laugh very very very hard...

Rose makes second mistake. She again stops within the bent fence.

SIL hooks the fence (no idea how) and stomps the lower edge into the mud/pig poo.

Citified genetics researcher friend has a flash of brilliance, and throws her board over the top of Rose.

Rose stops, and goes "OH!" ...

Citified genetics researcher friend, wondering what Rose is doing, lifts board... staring into little beady eyes of growling, drooling, spitslinging pig, she slams the board back down...

Rose tries everything after that.

Through the fence, under the fence, anywhere but IN her pen...growling, drooling, slinging spit everywhere.

after 90 minutes, the humans win ~ well, relatively speaking.

Pig Poo stains are hard to get out of clothing.

NOW I am in a bad mood (foul language alert!!)

I got up this morning, I was okay. I'm still feeling the cranky brought on by living here, having flareups, and all that, but I was dealing...

then, the incredible shit shifting† house did its' thing, and I can not find anything... my current project has vanished into a box somewhere, and I do not feel like looking for it. (sorry, bad attitude)

Then, t2k comes home with some kind (okay her normal) excuse for missing work this morning (she does this every time she spends the night with her paramour) and I LOST IT.

AT HER.

**sigh**

I wouldn't want her working for me either, ya know?

Now, I suppose I should be more paitient, she is 18 (nearly 19) and has the emotional state of a 14 year old... but DAMN.

I am NOT paying her bills any longer. Nadda, zip, fergetting it totally. **sigh**

Right now, I hate their dad. Stupid fucked up bastard.

**sigh**

**sigh**

foul mood, foul language, irritation beyond what I can handle today...

world, just freaking GO AWAY.



†my mom shuffles the things here in her house on a regular basis, it is so that she feels like she is "sorting" things out, and getting rid of the excess. Any projects/sorting/work I am doing goes along for the ride... she pays no attention to what others might be doing with things...

And yes... I pay rent.

**THIS SPACE FOR RENT**

all I can do is yawn today, I can't figure out why .... well, not exactly.

It has been a very long week for me... again. **insert swear words here**

I've decided to take the day off, and no one is home to tell me different... the girls are at work. :)

I have to clean my bedroom ~ it is BAAAAAD news. I hate vacuuming though, the damn thing weighs a ton, and I think it would be easier to carry the washing machine about... the vacuum is truly a dinosaur. something called a "rainbow" I have to put water in it?

yeah, I was serious when I said it was easier to carry the washing machine.

**sigh* *can't put off chores to much longer, the laundry basket is full, I've no clean towels, and I am out of socks.

I know... it was a terrible shock for me this morning to open the sock drawer and find there wasn't even a pair of mismatched ones to wear in my riding boots.

I do, however, still have clean underwear...

yeah, yeah, I know... TMI!

Weeeeeeeeeeelllllllllll.... lots to do, no will to do it.

**sigh**

I SERIOUSLY need help with this procrastination problem... I find one, but I'm to busy procrastinating...

what day is it again???

woke up "early" today ~ relatively speaking ~ and couldn't figure out what day it was to save my life. I knew the date, but (yet again) I had no idea of the day of the week. Had to LOOK at the calendar.

Guess life is busy enough that I can not be arsed to remember what day of the week I am on. My life is not a 9-5 five day a week thing ~ has not been for a very long time, and with no way to mark days (school for the girls type thing) I find no reason to actually CARE what day of the week it is.

Besides... I suffer from CRS†

We had crepes for breakfast, homemade, so they are a bit thicker than "normal" ~ freshly smoked salmon, shrimp, someone had some crabmeat, (I think... ) some compotes, and fresh berries with new cream. (I LOVE the farmers market) and lovely coffee from a trip by T3k to Starbucks. Breakfast these days is the only time we see one another ~ :-)

Occurs to me that I am happy that the girls drive... makes the trips I must make much easier to handle.

Oh lovely... fighting downstairs. just what I need to make the day go better ~ my mom is suffering from CRS † for real, and she does not see it ~ sadly, we all get impatient with her sometimes ~ because I do think that if she would actually pay attention to what any of us were saying, it would help. Sometimes, it feels as though she only talks to hear her head roar, and if she would just think before opening her mouth... she'd figure out what is going on before she repeated the questions that she had already asked, irritatiing the hell out of everyone...

Did that make any sense at all? SHees... I'm confusing myself now. **sigh**

I'm going to go across to the barn to see Bubba and to get away from the crap ~ I just do not feel like dealing with it today.

**yawn** then again, maybe I will just take a nap.

whatcha think vig? nap or horse?

yeah... horse wins.

:*





†(Can't Remember Shite)

it isn't Friday yet...

Waiting for the kid to come home, she should be here by now...

Theater was okay tonight, the show felt long, but we made it. Sell out crowd, they loved all the corny jokes and silly lines.

I don't know what it is about this year, but I lost another friend to cancer this week. That makes four since February.

I am to the point where I do not know what to feel, and it really no longer helps to cry. I don't know that I am sad, because it is horrible to watch someone you love waste away , even though they are fighting with everything they have in them ~

So, I think that I'm happy when the fight is over... but sad, because I shall miss them beyond what words can describe. I am glad that they no longer hurt in anyways, but I am angry as hell that I am now bereft of their friendship...

Now I probably AM going to cry. Guess maybe it is time ~ again.

Off tokiss my precious girls while they sleep, marvel at them with their healthy tans and perfect skin, and then come back here to cry ~

yeah.

That is the plan.

night

:*

a normal day

I have hay in my hair, and horse snot on my shirt...and I went back to bed this morning that way...

Probably a good thing I currently do not have a significant other, eh? I think that it is going to take an amazing man to toler...er... love me. **sigh** I find myself wondering if such a man exists...

my work for LST goes apace. I am down to 8 shows for the sound board op, and 15 for the light board.

In an odd way, I am happy that it is half over, and in an even odder way, I am sad that it is almost finished.

**sigh** I love what I do for them ~ and I think I do it well?? **shrug** I do my best, and if that isn't okay, then...

oh well. In the end ~ one, I get paid, ~ two, my immediate boss likes what I do, and three ~ the lighting designer likes what I do, and so... yeah. :) Is all good.

My eardrum hurts today, I've a wee hole in it. No swimming/rafting/riding for a bit I'm afraid.

I love the free clinic on Monday nights ~ can't afford the antibiotics I was prescribed, but hey... at least I know not to duck my head underwater for a bit.

I'm out of Cheerios, (my absolute favorite cold cereal) so had to substitute with something the girls eat ~ breakfast today was Cap'n Crunch and a pot of ambition... neither are doing much for my energy levels. I probably had a whole bottle of coca cola for breakfast, just not in what would be considered the normal form ~

bleah ~ :-p

I suppose I need to be off to my day ~ I work lights tonight... Pirates of Penzance. :) Turning out to be my favorite this season.

If you are in town, come see me in the booth!!!

:*

its my "sunday"

today, I made the epic journey to see the eldest daughter... they are about to lose their house, like so many others they fell behind on their house payments, (he is in construction) and ... yeah...

**sigh**

The house is nearly ready for the bank to take it over. This means that everything is now finished (or being finished) up, and the remodel will be all done.

they have put about 100,000 into the place, SIL has done much of the building, t1k the finishing.

would that everyone whom(who?) is going to lose their place would do such a good job... then the banks would actually MAKE money on the things, maybe so that they would not fail so badly, so that all of us would be a bit better off now...

I am going to miss that place, it was the closest thing to home anyone has had for a very long time.

**sigh**

SO!!!

lets see.

um...

yeah. I'm going to watch movies, and use up my two weeks free from Netflix ~ I've a project to finish by the end of the week (mine, not the "normal" end of the week) and then... maybe I will go riding or something.

August is beginning with a bang.

okay, not really a bang, but a *poof*

heh...

Hey viggo...wanna share my headphones?

:*

to begin with...

August did not begin auspiciously for me, I woke up yesterday morning with a headache…

Normal situation… but as the day progressed it went into a full blown migraine ~ then, after a bit, went into a barfing migraine…

yeah. WHEEEEEE!!!!

I have not felt so bad in a very long time. the stuff I take for the brain aches of that kind kept coming back up… fortunately, about 11 yesterday morning, one stayed down long enough to work, which got me through my second show last night.

**shrug** I dunno. Seems like all I do is push myself until I nearly drop to do stuff… I am getting so very tired of having to do this to me...!

At work last night, I had tunnel vision from the stupid headache… good thing I only have to use my ears for that particular gig, eh?

Came home, took a BIG painkiller (on the last of them here…) and passed out. I’m feeling goopy this morning, but as long as I don’t move to fast, and get off this here thing soon, I should be alright.

don’t work today, so I can sleep until it gets hot… yesterdays’ high was 107F…. YEESH. Fire danger has gone through the damn roof.

sorry for the disjointed post, like I say, I feel… goopy. loopy. weird. icky almost. BUT!!!

the headache is nearly gone, and I can see straight.

I’m off to make coffee ~ though I am nauseous at the thought of drinking/eating anything.

Maybe I’ll just go back to bed.

hmmm… yes. Bed is a very good idea.

Move over viggo…you’re hogging the bed!