Ambiguity

So.

I have a chance at this job, but I don't know that it is what I really want to do... I am not thrilled about it, unless I count the fact that I may (yes, may...haven't made call back yet) have a job by the 18th of May.

SO!

I so dislike the thought of taking a job that I might not love to do... I did that with the grocery job, and while I loved the people I worked with, and did not mind the work ~ I was not really happy. It just was not something I looked forward to, something that I would get out of bed willingly for.

**sigh** I have always heard that people can do what they love in life... why can't I?

**shrug** ah well.

Doing nothing but working with horses just does not pay very well to begin with, so... guess this is what I need to do...

Here's mud in my eye!

:*

HUMP day...

Went to my "video" think for the coach operator job ~ there are 122 applicants for 6 jobs.

SHEES... I don't have a chance, but at least I made it this far, right? I just want something reliable in my life ya know?

Been a busy few days. Monday and Tuesday I cranked to get the storage thing taken care of, and managed that two days early... I don't know if I will be getting a credit or not, but hey... it is done and I do not have to worry any more. NOW though, I have to sort the things I brought here, take the stuff I do not think salable to charity, (the clothes and things...some are brand new) and mark the rest of the stuff in preparation for the yard sale...

To top things with a bad feeling, t2k was here over the weekend. I wasn't in the mood for her stuff, so I didn't really do much with her ~ I had my own things to do, and she did not "feel" like helping me, so **shrug** I had no qualms about not listening to her past my tolerance to do so. If that makes me a bad mommy then fine. I am a bad mommy.

PHBBBTTTT! (spitty raspberries noises)

:p~

hmmm... Little Kitty has taken to sitting right in front of the computer screen. It is beginning to annoy me a fair bit.

I've things to be doing, but I don't feel like doing nothing. I've a barn to clean, stuff to sort, projects to finish...

And all I feel like doing is going to bed.

*yawn*

Come on viggo, lets go find something to make for dinner...

yeah, yeah, I'm tired of cereal too ~ but it is better than nothing.

:*

I've (sort of) misplaced my phone, I think it is in the feeder trough over at the barn... and I am to lazy to go get it. I go back in morning, so... **Shrug** not a big deal.

Sorry viggo, no phone calls tonight. Try to miss me, okay?

Only four days left in the month of April, the year 2009...better get on the schtick if you have goals to to reach by the end of this month!!!

Star Trek opens one week from Friday... our local theater will actually try to have it ~ according to their website.

I'm stoked. I LOVE the Star Trek series, and am trying to buy them all ~ I've the entire movie set on VHS tape ~ the ones where the boxes make a mural??

Yeah. Me geekish. ;)

Little Cat... is purely nutzie.

Tonight, I came up the stairs after dinner ~ couldn't find the cat. Not to unusual of a situation, so I just sort of waited...

and waited...

and waited...

half an hour into this wait, and I hear this weird scritching noise... again, not unusual.

I check the closet... no cat.

I check the blanket chest... no cat.

Now, our room is not that big ~ I can not figure out why I can not find her.

As I sit down in my chair to ponder the situation, an upside down box (that I thought empty) begins to "turtle" along the floor...

**skittle skittle skittle**

**pause**

**skuttle skuttle skuttle**

**pause**

Every once in awhile, when the box is stopped, it puts out these feelers ~ little furry white feelers that kind of resemble cat feet. They feel about, the disappear back under the box ~ apparently the box can only travel with feelers retracted...

The box keeps going until it bumps into my feet.

Out flash the feelers to slap me thoroughly about the ankles ~ then, they retreat back into the box...

Apparently happy that it had smacked down a human, the box reverses directions without turning about ~and continues skuttling along until it runs into the next hapless victim...

The leg of the desk chair.

:D

Saturday, Saturday...

I always think of the song by the Bay City Rollers when ever I type the word Saturday… weird, eh?

**sigh**

Music is a huge part of my life, I associate things with particular songs all the time… Saturday just because it was a catchy, if annoying tune.

I’ve finished up my coffee, it is a two cuppa day. I am foggy this morning, I don’t like the feeling. And I hurt in all the “right” (read: normal) places… that is my cynicism kicking in there.

**yawn** (multiply by five or so)

Damn. I may need to go back to bed.

Bubba man is waiting for me, and the barn landlady has gone back to her life in Alaska ~ so that leaves me as the primary care taker again. It’s okay, just when I am so drained I can barely type that it is a “PHHHHBBT” :P situation.

Nearly done with the storage thing, I’ve made an amazing dent in the thing. One more huge box to sort out, and it is only half full, consists (I believe) of all the camping gear I own ~ considerable amount thereof actually. Family tent may go up in the yard to use for the summer… I love to go camping… and if I put the thing in the right place in the yard, I can see the stars all night.

Bud is going to be getting impatient, I suppose I need to rock and roll to the barn duties.

**sigh**

Can you stand a critter story this mornin?

yes?

Good…

I am a horribly displaced person… as in ~ I displace most everything I need at least once a day… Therefore, I employ various types of reminder things, from daytimers to cork boards where I pin everything on with whatever kind of sharp pointy thing is handy.

Yesterday, after a very long day of sorting, I came home to eat dinner.

I sat down in my work chair, the desk calendar open in front of me, the cork board on the left, kind of behind the chair…

Little Cat started bothering me. Normally, she says hello, and then goes on about her kitty business.

Last night though, she kept jumping up, and then down, looking back at me, talkin up a blue streak…

Naturally, I finally got up and followed her. I didn’t bother pushing my work chair back under the table, I was going back in a few…point of fact, I seldom push it in at all…

So, L.K leads me around to the other side of my work table… She jumps up in my chair, (regular TV/knitting/handwork chair) and sits.

Taking my cue, I lift her up, and we sit.

Communing for a minute, I scratch her ears, chin, brush her back…she has had enough, and jumps down.

Me? I’m confused. I sit, wondering…

Little Kitty goes across the room, and sits ~ she is a delicate cat, very lady like and proper looking.

She hunkers down…

**butt wiggle**

**eyes dialate**

**more butt wiggle**

**front paw lift**

Me? Still confused. I see NOTHING to attack, and am beginning to worry about my slipperless feet…

**butt wiggle**

**LAUNCH!!!!**

That nutsy cat goes tearing across the bedroom at maximum warp cat speed… goes UP the work chair, and launches her scrawny ass off the back of the chair… AT THE WALL.

ME??? Holding my breath, I’m waiting for a huge crash.

**WINCE, SHUDDER**

And the cat lands, all 20 claws neatly grabbing…

THE CORK BOARD.

**SCHTIG**

Dead stop, dead center of the board.

Hanging there, she tips her head straight back and says,

“Merouf?” (read; “you like my trick mom?)

I am beginning to think that I am in a LOT of trouble…

:*

sliding for home...

Thursday, Day 113 of the year of our Lord two thousand and nine...

Little Cat is in full heat, she is makin' me insane.

Well, insaner than normal anyways. She can't settle down to any one thing ~ poor girl. Hopefully I will be able to get her fixed soon.

I'm giving this stuff that the new doc wants me to take a full week, then I am calling... nothing I do makes it any better, I don't sleep well on the stuff. I dream a lot too ~ not the nightmares I got while on the stuff for my blood pressure though ~ those were NASTY.

This stuff makes me gain weight too. **sigh** It just is not worth it, ya know? SO!!!!

Until I can find someone that will actually LISTEN to EVERYTHING that is bothering me, I am kind of stuck in this hole ~ a hole of pain, sleeplessness and deepening depression.

It's mental I tell you ~ enough to drive you insane.

Bit of a rush this morning, I'm later than normal for the day. I'm pushing the envelope for the patience of the horses I am sure.

Haven't talked to any of the girls since Monday...hope they are alive. It bothers me not to talk to them, but I kind of figure these days that this is okay ~ they don't need me, then I won't step off the edge of caring to much.

That didn't make sense.... **shrug** I care, but I also have to let them learn, ya know?

**yawn** off to the races ~ viggo has been gone for hours...

:*

Points

Today is "earth day" ~ has been for what... 40 years or so? It began in 1962 ~ and I wish that something would have happened to make it more than it is now even...

**sigh**

At any rate, I am tired of the "green thing" ~ irritated with it even.

Why is it irritating? Because it comes across as all hot air. If the bull ~ pooey that is being handed out as "green" could be used to produce electricity, or fuel for cars, we'd NEVER RUN OUT OF POWER. Food? maybe... and I fear that it is just a fad, a passing fancy that will go the way of the dinosaur ~ all to soon.

**sigh** (yes, again) All ads for the past hour on the telly have been about being green.

BANDWAGON!!!!

Well... points for tryin, eh?

OH! before I forget. The Salvation Army takes old monitors and tellys for recycling ~ check here to find where you can take stuff. Don't put your old computer pieces, parts or peripherals in the garbage ~ it carries toxic stuff that ends up in weird places... like third world countries. Keyboards and mice and such are generally taken for free at Staples (call ahead and ask) ~ they take ink cartridges too.

Covered what little I have planted in the new garden space ~ I use old sheets that I made into strips... perfectly good cotton, it isn't going to waste.

Sidetrack....Can I make paper out of jeans? hmmm... have to check.

Little Cat is in heat... about time to get her fixed. I discovered a very long time ago that when kitties are allowed one heat cycle, they don't go "manly" on you in their old age and go around marking things, when you have strictly indoor kitties, this is VERRA important.

I'm going to bed... dinner was wonderful ~ but now it is time for moggies to be asleep.

I'm off to the city with my barn land lady... maybe. I am willing to bet that she finks out on me, and she owes me 2 bales of hay... GOOD hay.

**sigh** can't complain, my horse stays at the the place for free, and I do all the feeding, cleaning and everything...

:p just tired this morning I suppose.

off now, or I will never get gone.

stay in bed vig... I wouldn't wish today on anyone.

:*

Hot!

We are having warm temps this week ~ I don't like this kind of heat, not this early in the season. I have to work up to it slowly... Like an entire summers worth of work up. :p

Broke down and ordered some ink for my printer, a DVD and a book on natural house cleaners ~ as in ... Make my own. I've a book somewhere on this already, and I am pretty sure that it is the same book, just an updated version.

Having a "blah" morning. The new stuff I am taking for the fibrowhatsis (it is an antidepressant) makes me achy and tired, I don't like it.

wait... I already AM achy and tired... Guess this will just make me happy about it, eh? I am told that it will help me sleep ~ they lied...I'm as jittery as if I'd been drinkin' coffee all night. WONDERFUL stuff to be taking.

:p

Off to the storage, I see light at the end of the tunnel with it now. I'm going to try to get it all finished up by the end of the week so that I can go to the Hinterlands while t2k is down here with my mom ~ I do not want to be around t2, she is the most depressing person for me...

I hope I did not train her to be like this! SHEES!!

I've a job application to finish up, and turn in tomorrow (deadline!) and then **shrug** hopefully I'll get something with this company. :)

Coffee is gone, we'd better get our backsides in gear there Viggo...

:*

**yawwwn**

It is the first day of my week, and Sunday to boot ~ so it is supposedly a day of rest, right?

Right!

Okay, at least anything I can do to make myself feel better about getting out of bed late, is good, right?

RIGHT!!! Besides, the only thing I was late for that counted was feeding Budman and his cronies ~and there is enough grass to keep them occupied until I manage to drag my sleep deprived personage over there.

So ~ even though I was late, they were happy to see me, and not in the "WE ARE STARVING" way they'd have greeted me last month this time. It is funny that they wait patiently for me to put the pellets in the buckets and when I send them all to their "places" to eat it ~ they all go without complaint. Horses and donkeys are very teachable when they want to be ~ um...duh... before I forget, this is new, as I started them on the feed through fly program for the summer ~ and I hope I am early enough! We are forecasted for a couple of very warm days this week.

hmm... I need to check and see if my fly predators are on their way...

**YAWN** wow...

My mom and I made the journey to Mansfield last night to see t3k in her school play ~ the play itself was written by one of the teachers up there ~ we did the dinner theater option, and for
$10 bucks, we got huge piece of chicken, green beans (YUMMY), salad, a roll, scalloped potatoes and blueberry cobbler for dinner, after which I had coffee while we watched the play.

For a school of 80 TOTAL students, it was very well done. The audience got to vote for who killed the nasty woman ~ (we chose the sister!) T3 is supposed to let me know who the audience vote for on closing night, which is when the rest of the family is going.

I had a lot of fun, and I have to admit that this is the first H.S play that I have enjoyed in many many a year!

I need a new chair for my computer station here, this one puts my backside to sleep. Someone suggested that I use an exercise ball for a chair, but it is not tall enough ~ there are chairs that incorporate a ball too ~

**shrug**

until I find work, there really isn't anything I can do about anything, ya know?

I suppose I need to be off to do SOME thing productive today ~ I've a huge mess to clean up here, I still haven't any clean socks, and I have yet to complete working through all the craup in the storage...

Maybe more coffee is in order...

:)

come on viggo, lets get our backsides moving...

No, you can stay home if you want.

what? you are giving me permission to stay home too?

heh...no wonder I love you so much.

;)

second half and when exactly???

Moving into the second half of April now ~ the ... umm... what? 107th day of 2009 ~ I think? I've a perpetual calendar somewhere...

Can't be arsed to go find it, so I am doing the math in my head, and I'm coming up with 107.

Somehow, that looks better than April 17th ~ to me anyways. Means I have 348 days left of this year to get my life squared away! :)

Tried to take a nap, but no one else would cooperate ~ so I got up. Now, every stinkin' one of the animals are asleep, including Ick the Fish. He is resting on the bottom of his bowl, I presume he is snoozing ~ if he were floating, I'd be worried. :)

There is just something totally unfair about my critters taking over where the girls left off, ya know? Incredibly sad actually...

Lets see ~

Had a wonderful visit yesterday with a friend ~ went to coffee at the "national chain store" and sat out doors ~

Now, I worry for this particular friend a bit, though I've only known him for about 10 years now, I think the world of him. And honestly, I feel much better after the visit, it was good to see where, who, what he is going and doing ~ his "when" is still missing, but whos' is not? Personally, I've no clue where MY when is anymore at all... **sigh**

Brings me to the thought that I really do need to get my arse out a bit more...I don't ignore my friends, but none of them are ringing my phone either... so... **shrug** Just have to do something about making myself go and visit, and be opening up myself to outside things.

I know I need to, but following through with it is very hard. It is easier to stay in my space, and not have to worry about being let down, or hurt, or finding out that someone only includes me because they want something at the time.

my, my, my my my...I have indeed grown cynical, haven't I???

**sigh**

Hence the love affair with viggo in my mind... he can't hurt me there, ya know?

I'd so crap if I ever actually DID meet viggo. O.o !!!!!

The sun has roughly two hours left above the ridge, and I've an hour 'til feeding time...

Maybe I will attempt the nap again.

Come on viggo lets go back to bed...and for pities sake, do NOT wake the cats up!

:*

Hump day...

It is Wednesday already...I feel as though I am wasting my week. Yesterday I had to run to the city to buy hay, dog and cat food ~ today I have a doctors appointment. I was going to go to t3ks' conferences, but I spent the gas money for such on getting t2k back up to the Northlands...

and got yelled at by t1k for "babying" her... yes, I did let t2k manipulate me ~ after many hours of her being so bitchy and "the world is out to get me" and saying the word f**k at least six times in every sentence, I just wanted her GONE.

**sigh** I'm just as glad that they are all up there sometimes. I miss them like crazy, but I get more than a little tired of feeling blamed for everything, and yelled at because I do (still, and always will) everything differently that t1k does with her sisters. I try not to let it bother me when t1 goes off into one of her little rants, and most of the time I really am okay with the differences. T1 knows so much about life ~ she is doing soooo well... **shrug**

Ah well. Not my problem. I just will not talk to her as much I suppose.

Cats got me up at 5 this morning, and while I suppose that is okay, I am only functioning at a basic level. Coffee tastes really good, but it is not doing much. I really think I am on for a second cuppa this morning ~ and I have time before I must trot over and feed the Budman.

heh... trot... get it?

**sigh** yeah, I know. humour me, okay? ;)

Come on viggo, I've got to have a bit more java juice.

:*

the days fly by

**sigh** yes, they do, eh? and with ever increasing speed. I thought time went to fast when the girls were small ~ that really was nothing compared to now.

Maybe it feels this way because I have more demands than ever on my time...mom, house, dogs, horses, kitties... I kind of seem to have sorta replaced the girls with other things...

weird that I would do that... NOT.

at any rate.

Turned down the onliest job offer I have had in MONTHS. I shall miss it, but I need a full time job before I can play with the theater.

I feel like crying because I have done that particular job forever ~ and I love the people I meet and the people I work for...

yeah. Now I want to cry again. I did not like having to say no, and if things change for me in a few weeks, and there has been no one else to take the job, maybe boss man will see his way clear to letting me do the job anyways...

**sigh** he can't wait that long, he HAS to have someone lined up before the end of the month...

ah well. such is life these days. They won't miss me for very long, of this I am sure. I don't make that big of an impression on anyone, ya know?

yeah. moving on...

still working in my storage, I hope to have it done soon. I am quickly getting disenchanted with the thought of a yard sale ~ I just want the extra crap GONE, ya know? And having to store it about the house is annoying the heck out of me, and I am *THIS* close (finger tips together) to just taking it all to the goodwill. The task of trying to put a price on things I no longer want is actually turning out to be quite daunting. I gotta try though, I have to eat, ya know?

Come on viggo, we're going to bed...

:* night!

great video...

this is via the cookseys of New Mexico... I LOVE it!!!

Happy Easter!

something funny...

Old Dog and both kitties have something in common ~ (other than myself) ~ they are all very much creatures of habit. I do feel badly for them sometimes...

Things around here used to happen on a schedule, with small variances due to the things in the schedules before them ~ I always managed to keep the time variations to less than an hour though, and being the person I am, I was seldom early.

Lately though, as I go through this bout of the crapola, my time clock is completely out of whack ~ and the feeding/care schedules have fluctuated a bit... occasionally pretty widely.

While I can tell that they are not happy with me, they pretty much just suffer in silence...

Until the mutiny this morning.

I didn't get to sleep until around one this morning, naturally my body didn't wake up at the perquisite hour of 7 a.m.

Happily, I snoozed on after shutting off the manual alarm clock...

At some point, Little Cat decided that it was time I wake up and she began snuffling in my ears. I'd push her away, she'd switch ears...

Then Old Cat joined in. She is older and wiser than Little Cat, and knows that if she wants me to get up, she just has to sit on my bladder...

Somewhere in there, I decide that I am NOT going to lose this battle this morning. That little thought, sticking somewhere in my foggy brain caused me to think that I could just toss the cats off, and after a bit they would give up and leave me alone...

**sigh** after tossing the cats aside (to no avail) I am about to concede defeat... though some part of my pre coffee brain waves says to NOT give in...

yes, I considered burrowing in, and staying for the long haul...

Then, the big guns hit...

Old Dog, and the visiting Young Dog got on the bed too. Both reeking of horse manure and doggie breath from their early morning (GRANDMA) sojourn out in the neighbors horse pasture...

At that point, there was nothing to do but to admit defeat.

**sigh**

Come on viggo ~ if I have to be up, so do you.

:*

its' been a bit...

It has been a week of Mondays, let me tell you! I am not even sure which way is up ~ and it started on Saturday...

the kid was here, she did not make her appointment at the clinic... five minutes late, and they wouldn't even let her in the door. while I do understand, I think that they should have shown a bit of compassion for the distance that she had to drive.

Life is not good up there for the middle child (t2k) ~ but I do not know that life would be good anywhere for her. She is to much like me in that sense, she just does not know what she wants to do.

so... she spent the night on Friday, apparently misses me more than she thought, and so on Saturday she took her sweet time getting ready to run back to the northlands. (hinterlands) ~ and it has been a miserable week for her up there. I can not figure out how being here with my mom can be any worse than being up there with her older/younger sisters...

**shrug** she has to figure it out I suppose, eh?

Been to a "Physicians Assistant" ~ means that she had a bit more training than an RN??? I liked her fine, until she "forgot" that I was allergic to a drug that she proceeded to prescribe for me...

SO!!!

yeah. I see the dude she works with next week Wednesday. Hope he listens a bit better than she.

I'm goin' to bed, I feel lousy.

come on viggo... night night time.

on the move

HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!

Man, I so crack myself up sometimes. I'm BARELY moving this morning, fibrowhatsis is full blown and I'm aching bad enough to want some real drugs...

**sigh**

Kind of waiting for the kid to come back from her appointment ~ she is doing the cervical cancer shots, it comes in a package of three, given a number of months apart. She also opted for the meningitis Vaccine ~ go her!!! so they are "checking" to see if she is okay with the stuff... um...duh! No reaction from more than a month ago... :D

The kid is also taking her snake and her fish with her to the Northlands today, so I will not have to worry about them any longer.

As the sperm donor hasn't any money (he really doesn't now) I will fill her gas tank, and make sure she has food for the snake, fish and dog...

**shrug** no, I've no money either, but I do not HAVE to have life insurance, right?

I haven't any bills that anyone can MAKE anyone pay if I am dead, so **shrug** won't hurt to drop the life stuff. I won't be able to get any back, but...that is okay, ya know?

Off to the day, I've got to feed the ponies, and then sort some stuff in storage today. I am going to bring my old sofa and love seat here, and maybe the beds ~ that will give me more room in the one side to put the stuff I have sorted out over ~ maybe by the end of the weekend I can get down to one 10x20 unit. :)

lets get movin' viggo, there's critters to feed.

:*

ninety second day of two thousand nine

bright and early on the second of April... well, early anyways. Seems I am in an insomnia phase of things now...

which totally stinks, because I tend to get sicker easier when this phase happens.

**sigh** had the funny flush thing going today, the "butterfly" thing that signifies the lupus ~ wondered about the way I've been feeling lately, so I am not to very surprised.

Had a good visit yesterday afternoon with a friend ~ I was to tired to go, but I am happy that I went. The visit gave me food for thought, and insights into things I have been pondering about ~ Feels like I can make some better choices now about a few things. They won't be happy choices for some people, but if I go with how I am feeling right now ~ yeah.

I guess that it is time for a change all the way around ~ not just with my personal life, but with old "friends" and acquaintances too...

Which, in my insomniac clouded thinking, rounds down to this:

Sort and toss, separate the wheat from the chaff in my own life, and then pick up and move on...

Where "on" will be to, I am not at all sure ~ maybe just down valley, maybe I won't move at all ~ maybe I will just stop the unproductive parts of my life and pick up new hobbies...

As always these days, I just do not know nothing for sure about nothing...(anything?)

Seems kind of like I am ready to just kick things loose and let the pieces fall where they may.

No, don't worry viggo... I'll keep you.

Come on man...Back to bed for the few hours we have left to snooze.

:*

wow...where did March go?

While I am glad March is gone, I am, as usual, not to sure where it went. As in... I didn't get anything done type gone/went/bye bye...

**sigh** seems to be the story of me life. Not sure what to do to change that either, ya know?

I know I did do a fair bit, and I managed to do so without getting so tired I couldn't function the next day ~

I hate whatever is wrong with me, I am always tired, always grumpy, always stressed because my body gives up before I can accomplish what my mind has set out to do.

**shrug** and to repeat myself, I am not sure what to do about it. :p

It bugs me that I am now in a new month and I still haven't any work. I have some lined up for the summer, but that does not start until the middle of June, and I won't see any money from it until the end of the season (theater job, live type productions) ~ and though I love the people and the work, if I can find anything else, I will give it up... I do not like to say that I am going to do something and then not follow through, but a full time job will simply have to take precedence, ya know?

:p

Little Cat wants to cuddle, and I must be off here soon to accomplish what I can this morning. After lunch today, I must run back to the big city and cancel the telephones ~ I do not really want to do that, but no one is helping me pay them (haven't seen a penny for them in about 8 months now) and I just can not keep bleeding like I am. I think that maybe this is the final step to my independence from my girls ~ I don't owe them anything any more...I'm sorry if that sounds callous but hey...they have made their choices, and while I am still here for them, I am done being used. My eldest is operating under the impression I owe her money, and I have to pay it to get my mare back...

**sigh**

Had a bite on the car finally, so that will help. No one wants the my Budman, unless I am willing to give him away ~ literally. They want him for free...he is to good of a horse to do that too, and I would rather keep paying his upkeep than send him to someone that will not take care of him.

People only seem to respect what they have to lay money out for...humans is weird animals, ya now??

I'm off to toss and sort...oops, reverse that... and hopefully get the two storages down to one by Friday...

yeah, I'm dreaming, but maybe I CAN do it, right? :)

Come on viggo, it's time for breakfast... drive up McMuffin style.

:*