29 March 2009
Lazy Sunday Morning
She hasn't quite figured out how to settle down and just SIT...I have hope that she will, but it looks grim...she is chasing my fingers now.
Coffee tastes pretty darn good this morning. I'm drinking with my right hand, it feels awkward. I am right handed naturally, so I do most of my beverage tipping with my left arm ~ I'm only doing the right sided thing because of L.C. ~
The things I do for my animals, ya know?
Been over to feed the Budman, (careful, picture is HUGE) and his pasture mates, I am now down to four bales of hay ~ he ate 2 ton over the winter, give or take a half ton. I can not decide if I want to look for a ton for the summer, or begin to store hay for next winter at the cheaper prices ~ found some on Craigslist for 160 a ton ~ less than half what it was going for last fall. I will go look at the stuff before I buy it though, to make sure it isn't bad.
No job yet...this is getting ridiculous. Our county alone is at 10% unemployment ~ makes me wonder if I will EVER get anything. As a mom going back to work after 20 + years of child rearing, I do not have to much of a chance for anything that 1) pays well and 2) that lasts longer than 6 months.
at this point, I do not care to much if the job is only three days... I'd probably take the damn thing.
I was talking to my ex mother in law ~ the onliest thing I am REALLY qualified to do is PA ~ being a Personal Assistant for someone. I micro managed her life for 6 months, and have micro managed the girls for the 20 + years...
The idea has merit don'tcha think?
Any one need a manager? As long as it comes with space for me to sew/paint/create ~ and space for my computer(with net hookup) and a pasture for two horses... I'm your girl. :)
**sigh**
Next stop... public assistance office. I was on welfare when t1k was born and I soooo dislike that place. It is depressing as hell, the feeling you get when you are in there is bad ~ like everyone is at the bottom of their lives or something?
**shrug** I'd be willing to bet that most are.
Coffee is gone, and the cat is now asleep across my chest ~ her back feet are hooked in my brasserie front, with front legs draped over my left shoulder, chin on her legs.
For something so small, she is quite the heat bag.
Come on viggo, I need more coffee...I think.
Maybe we should just crawl in bed to nap instead...
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27 March 2009
oi!
Currently though, "we" are two points down. THAT at least is doable, ya know?
I am very tired ~ I've gotten a fair bit done this week. Nothing like I NEED to get finished, but welcome to motherhood, and its' aftermath, eh???
Called up to the hinterlands, and talked with the renter of the small house. I'd rather talk to her than my own girls actually ~ I always get off the phone with them feeling like I was an imposition into their lives or something? Like...I should not call, and I should not do this, and I should not do that...
Each time I am left with the thought that I no longer need to bend over backward for them, they are big enough to handle life on their own...
Not really, but hey. I feel like I should just write them off, and let them make their own destinies now ~ and I need to live my life...
yeah, it looks good in words, but putting such thoughts into actual practice is not that easy.
I am lonely tonight, I'd love to have someone to go to the movies with, or have a beer with, or wine, or ... ANYTHING.
Wish that viggo were real, ya know?
So...I think I will read for a bit, then watch Stargate SG1 on Scifi channel, then go to bed at a decent hour.
How about some desert Vig??? I'm going to crack open the cheesecake and the Huckleberry wine to go with.
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26 March 2009
I need help...
**sigh** as much as I am getting done, I can't help but feel that there is more out there than I have ~ I just do not know what/where/who/when/why...
:p stinks that I am in such a damn bad mood with it all. I have all this stuff, and I find myself getting resentful that I have to be the one that decides what to do with it.
Maybe I will just put it all in one storage, then call the girls and say "hey...come get your things."
The idea has merit, it really does. If they are so happy living with their older sister, and she is a better mom than me, then hey...they can live with all their stuff in HER house.
Guess I am just having one of those nights where I am not sure I AM a mom, let alone having been a good one.
**sigh** Identity crisis time ~ again. I have NO idea what I want to do with my life ~ no one needs me (can't find work) my girls do not want me... and I am slowly going crazy living here with my mom... and thank the Lord she (my mom) is now to the point where she no longer needs me here.
I just want to go somewhere that I can work outdoors, preferably on my horse, learn to train horses, and have my cats, dogs, grow a vegie garden, make things on my sewing machine, Marry some nice guy, and live happily ever after...
okay, that should be amended to marry Viggo...
**sigh** humor has flown, time to knit. I'm working on a Prayer Shawl ~ though I do not think that they are always used for prayer. The last one is a lap robe on a wheel chair. :)
I'm going to get a cup of tea first... want one viggo?
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again with the slow start...
Other than being in pain constantly, nothing is off kilter...that I can recognize.
**sigh**
I've the window open, and it is fuh-reezing in here...but it smells good now. Little Kitty wants so badly to be in the open part, but Old Cat is hogging the entire sill ~ she isn't that fat, but she does NOT want to give any little bit up to Little Kitty. The chorus of growls that accompany the bird watching go up in volume when ever L.K gets to close.
Little Kitty is being respectful today...weird.
See? the whole day is off.
Not sure what I am going to do today ~ guess I am overwhelmed at the whole "sort through" stuff thing... A lot of things that I miss, a lot of reminders of the dreams that were blown apart by the abuse of my girls and I ~
How exactly does one manage such things? I mean really...
**sigh**
off to manage. dammit.
I hate my ex at this very moment...really really bad.
Hug me viggo, I feel like crying...
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22 March 2009
**sigh**
I am going to enjoy it whilst I can. I do not think that t2k will last more than a week up there, but hey... t1k is very persuasive with her sisters...much to my dismay.
**sigh** so... just me, budman, Old Cat, Little Kitty, Old Dog and my mom... going to be a very quiet week.
I have to sort and toss an entire storage by Tuesday next... Hopefully I can do it. I want T1k to take her things so that I do not have to mess with her at all any more, ya know?
time to cut her completely loose.
:)
M'kay... I am tired, I am going to take a nap now.
**yawn**
Coming viggo?
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19 March 2009
know what?
oh ~ went to the bank and fixed the snafu.
Been thinking, and one of the thoughts that I have come upon is that I am, for the first time in my life, glad that I am poor... I have nothing to loose in this crazy recession that the world is going through right now.
Can't take away what I never have had...money, security, my health...whatever ~ doesn't really affect me to very much. I can't ever seem to be able to afford good food, so not even that is affected, ya know?
"no phone, no lights, no motor car, not a single luxury..."
I have internet (comes with the room) (for now) so hey...what more do I need?
Come on viggo, lets take a nap in the sunny patch with the cat...
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17 March 2009
hearing
I find I chose not to listen or communicate with people because of it too ~ I hide myself away and do not interact at all.
I am doing that more and more, and the reason pretty much is my children. Never thought I would regret having them, but right now? I honestly do.
**sigh**
I won't say that within their hearing, but hey... they do not pay a damn bit of attention to where/what/when/how I am, or what I am doing so... yeah.
other than that?
I'm just tired.
of EVERYTHING.
off to feed the ponies now... :)
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15 March 2009
Lazy day
It is currently the middle of the afternoon, and we've gotten a full six inches of the stuff in our front yard.
A front yard, less than 24 hours ago, that had zero inches of the white stuff in it...
**sigh** Seems as though the seasons are having a pretty bad time trying to figure out what they are going to do ~ I wonder if that is a part of global warming?? I'd bet that it is... though I am old enough now to remember such storms ~ in the good old days of my childhood, we'd have phenomenon like this ~ though usually there was a whole lot more snow left on the ground to boot.
Because of the snow, it has been a fairly lazy day. I sorted a box, putting the things to keep away, or in a new stackable box to return to storage, and putting the un-needed things in the box for donation. There is some really nice things going out, I am thinking that I will again do a box for the womens' shelter ~ I found my old maternity clothes, I very nearly dropped dead when I saw them. I'd always intended to have more children, but that ended when my now ex-husband blew my world apart with his stupidity...
I've two extra beds now too, I am hoping that I can get someone to come get the silly things. For some odd reason it is way easier for me to see the stuff hauled away than it is for me to deliver stuff ~ I have no idea why. Guess I am just weird that way.
Making Beans and Cornbread (ala Pioneer Woman Cooks) ~ lovely and easy (so far) recipe that makes the house smell WONDERFUL. I'll start the cornbread here in a few ~ you know, I've never done beans of any kind from scratch, my best recipe so far has always been Bushes Beans ~ I do not think I can match those... **shrug** I suppose I shall see how PWs' beans go over. :)
**sigh**
Wanted to go to church today, and I hope I am forgiven for it, but I was so out of energy ~ I barely made it over to feed the horses ~ point of fact, I would have sent the kid on her own if it was legal to do so...
I hope she gets her license soon! She is a perfectly GOOD driver, way better than her sisters, she just lacks confidence.
She is like that in all endeavors actually... **sigh** My fault I am sure. :p
I've spent the remainder of my day making dish cloths ~ cotton dish rags in every conceivable color of the rainbow. If I could figure out how to put the pictures in the MIDDLE of a post, I would ~ blogger isn't to co-operative in that sense. I give them away a lot... :) if anyone out there is reading this thing, drop me an email and I will send you one. (check the profile for the email!)
By the by, they are eco friendly in the sense that they biodegrade completely... found one left outdoors over the winter and there was only bits of it left.
:)
Got to run down and stir my beans, and figure out when I need to start making the cornbread.
Hope you're proud of me Viggo, there is homemade beans for dinner tonight!
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13 March 2009
"no, YOU are!"
As I lay in bed, pondering my options, Little Cat decided the day would begin. She got up, did the graceful catly stretch thing, which was marred by a slight miscalculation of the space time continuum ~ she fell off the edge of the bed when her front end stretched to far and missed said edge...
She, unfazed by my guffaws, went on with her business...
Stop one: Water dish, daintly lapping at the very edge...
Unnoticed by Little Kitty, Old Cat is stalking her...
**sneaka sneaka sneaka**
**POUNCE**
**THWACK THWACK THWACK**
O.C perpetrates the attack perfected by L.K herself...
Little Kitty went straight up in the air (just as Old Cat does when roles are reversed) and landed smack dab in the middle of the water dish...
She was so surprised that she just stood there, in the dish for a few moments...
The bottom of the water dish was slick, and when Little Kitty went to jump out, she peeled out ~ sans graceful leap, water sprayed everywhere...(oh JOY for me, eh?)
For whatever reason, Little Kitty went directly on to stop two of her morning...
Stop Two: Litter box, where I could hear her digging in the sand...she is so enthusiastic, she doesn't notice O.C sneaking across the tops of the boxes that also reside under the table...
Perched on top of the box that Little Kitty is using, Old Cat waits like a vulture waiting for its' prey~
Little Kitty emerges from under the lid, going at full power as she comes through the flapper door...
Old Cat, though getting on in years is wiser, and wily...As Little Kitty rounds the corner on the backside of the box, O.C drops like a stealthy fart directly on top of her...
Old Cat, forgetting that clay cat litter clumps when wet, having actually caught her prey, recoils in disgust. Now she too is covered in what amounts to a LOT of used kitty litter...
Stop three: Very early morning bath for all involved ~
Stop four: (current stop) Sitting in the cat beds, drying themselves off, exchanging growls.
"you're an idiot"
"no, YOU're the idiot"
"no, YOU are"
"no, YOU ARE"
"NO, YOU ARE"
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11 March 2009
Finding myself
Here I am, 50 years old, and all I have to show for any kind of dream I had is a horse that I am going to have to sell, probably for much less than I bought him for.
Can you say "mid life crisis" ?????
**sigh**
So.
As I sit here and consider what I want to do with my life, I find my interests are currently a bit hard to pin down.
Do I want to be a farmer type person?
Yes~but that ranges from having my own greenhouse and selling plants locally to studying global warming to land/water rehabilitation so the next generation has something to live on...
Do I want to be a writer?
Yes~ but that varies from screenplays to starving poet to writing childrens books…
Do I want to produce films?
Yes~but that ranges from epic (think LOTR) to shorts about world problems…
Do I want to be an artist?
Yes~but that ranges from graphic design to professional photographer to professional photojouralism to painting huge masterpieces ~ (can a person do masterpieces in a paint by number kit??)
Do I want to continue in the computer geekishness department?
Yes…but no so much anymore, as my co-ordination gets worst and worse, and I can not do fine work as easily as I once did…
**sigh**
The list goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began… (sorry Mr. Tolkien!!) :)
I am at a point where I feel as though I want to try everything that there might be to do out there… within reason of course. I will NEVER again bungie jump…thank you very much.
What to do, what to do…
Come on Viggo, lets go out for coffee… I can’t think straight!
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10 March 2009
Daylight savings...
Guess I do not have to get up, but the world would frown upon this... especially my critters, though making the switch is hard on them too ~ especially the horses.
Sunday morning was not to bad on them. we were an hour late, making it right on time for them ~ they are up and waiting, and when they saw the car, they lined up at the fence to nicker and gab like always.
Yesterday morning though, we got over to the barn "on time" (an hour early) and not a one of the horses was even awake. When they heard the car, they all came dragging around the manger side of the barn with this "whats going on?" look on their faces...totally unready for food and human interaaction...
Funny how they are on a schedule, and it is very apparent when you deviate from that schedule ~ Budman still wasn't eating when we left the barn yesterday, he was standing by the hay pile, sniffing at it a bit, like he was wondering what exactly happened... :)
Have a lot to do today, there are no new jobs to apply for, so I am going to go continue the task of sorting out the extraneous stuff at the storage unit. It will keep me busy for the day, and the kid can have use of the computer without feeling like I am getting upset with her because I need the internet...
so... I'm off to feed the horses, and then I think I am going to break down and have another cup of coffee. Though I may change my mind ~ it is a gorgeous sunny day today out there ~ though COLD ~ it is 10F on the front porch. Very low for this time of year!
Go ahead and stay in bed Viggo, I'm gonna be cold when I get home...
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09 March 2009
for the joy of it...
(lather, rinse, repeat)
Today, it seems be a particularly bad case of "the RIPS" ~ and I have come to the conclusion that she is doing this for the sheer joy of running about ~
I also am realizing as I type that I have accommodated her eccentricities by moving, covering or putting away anything that can be maimed, broken or any other bashed apart action word.
When she tires of the game, she comes back to my chair and taps my leg ~ her signal for "up" ~ where she snuggles under my neck and purrs like well tuned engine...
Only until the next round of rips kicks in, and then she is off ~ running about with great abandon, going through her morning with all the happiness a cat can have.
I'm pretty sure there is a lesson in that somewhere...
Go do something today just for the joy of it, okay?
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07 March 2009
why do I have pets???
So, this morning, the one morning I could have easily slept in, the cats decided that they wanted their breakfast at the hour they normally get it...
yeah. 6 a.m.
**sigh**
First, Little Cat, who purrs at the drop of a hat anyways, begins nuzzling my ears... the little poop actually puts her nose IN my ear and does the "snorfle" thing...
I push her away...
she comes back...
**snorfle snorfle**
**push**
**snorfle snorfle**
**push**
**SNORFLE**
**SHOVE**
**THUD**
**OOF!**
**WTF??**
Old Cat gazes into my sleep blurred eyes, and less than an inch from my face, says "MEROAW??"
As I am struggling to breathe from the shear weight of O.C's body sitting in the middle of my chest, her having dropped from the shelf by the bed, (note to self... move the shelf...) I breathe in the full force of salmon flavoured cat food...(and she thinks they are starving???)
**cough, wheeze, gasp, gag**
**inhale**
**COUGH, WHEEZE**
**AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH**
**LAUNCH**
**WTF?? LAUNCH FAILURE??!!!**
**beedoo, beedoo, beedoo (sirens )**
Damn cat must weigh a thousand pounds now...
**sigh**
Admitting to my defeat, I haul my cat breath induced asthmatic backside out of bed ...
At 6... SIX freakin' a.m.
Remind me why I have pets????
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06 March 2009
so... its' FRIDAY!!!
yay!!
**sigh** next on the agenda is the car ~ then the stuff can just get dumped as I go. The better things I am going to yard sale in the spring ~ the rest is out the door.
off to the races, today is a LONG day of being away from home.
See you tonight Viggo ~
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05 March 2009
Turdsay
yes, I have known for a very long time that my children are a bit odd.
Normal is soooo... boring.
though I could stand some normal right now. No angst, no PMS, no stress... I just want it to all go away, ya know?
**sigh**
Even in the midst of all the crap funny things do happen around here. The animals that I cohabit with are some of the oddest I have ever known.
Take Little Cat ~ she is a kitty with an attitude, and rocks where her mind should be... (but that is soooo another story)
Every Wednesday here at my house we change out the litter in the kitty boxes (three of the covered kind staged throughout the house) ~ scoop all week, adding as we go and Wednesday is trash day, so then it is out with the whole works.
Little Cat has this weird habit of wanting to be the first to be in the new sand, though she doesn't always actually use the stuff that first time ... she just likes to fluff about in it, and goes bananas inside the containers, emerging all happy that she got to sift sands of "lavatery land". (like I say, she's a weirdo)
As usual last week, she was the first one in ~ she hopped in the door before the thing had even been slid back under the table where it resides. Not a big deal, so T2k goes ahead and pushes the thing under ~ this whole time the cat never stops doing her little spaz attack inside...
Once it is in place (the cat still inside) T2 looks over her shoulder at me and deadpans ~
"Portapotty"
Took me a minute, and after a long week with a ton of stress, I broke down and laughed ~ I laughed until I cried.
Felt pretty good.
:)
Come on viggo, lets get back to the storage... At the rate we are going, we'll still be sorting when we are 75 years old ~
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03 March 2009
still low
I'll go to the storage this week and get the things I want, put them in the room here, and then let the girls do the same... then it alll belongs to the dude at the storage.
What else can I do? I had so hoped to have my own house by now ~ my own life, my own ANYTHING. Instead, I'm sick, in debt with medical up to my blurry eyeballs and feeling as though I have no worth in this world at all.
**sigh**
yeah. time to throw in the towel.
off to the storage... feel like i have to get there before the office opens up, ya know?
**sigh**
02 March 2009
Holy Doodles it's MARCH
So, this month is a long and nasty one here in the PNW. It all begins with some idiot decided to put Daylight savings time a month earlier than it was before...
I seriously dislike the flip to daylight savings, it really fouls up my internal body clock. It takes an already impossible situation and makes it into a nearly intolerably situation...
**sigh** in other words, I can barely get up on time these days, let alone being able to crank my backside out of bed an hour EARLIER.
thanks Ben and company ~ me and the cows in Indiana will just stay on regular time, thank you very much!
:p
**sigh**
I am hoping that March adds good things to my life ~ like a decent job, the sale of my excess things so that I can pay my mom back, and a place to go that I will be happier, and get my health back... if I ever can. At the rate I am going, I am beginning to become concerned ~ I feel worse every day. Weird how I get used to it, then only think about going back to the doctors that I can't pay to see if they can do anything else...
**shrug** my girls don't need me, they have one another, so I do not think that to many people would miss me ... at all. So, if I give up and go under, no one will be hurt, eh?
I'm serious. No one wants me. sucks, but hey, I'll learn to live with it someday.
**sigh**
off to sort and get rid of things.
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