Sometimes, the days catch me unawares ~ like this morning, it dawned on me that the Christmas season truly is upon us now.
**sigh** and it is going to be a slim one for us. I am desperate for a job, so now? I shall become a housekeepers assistant...
yes, I shall be a maid at one of the motels. Viggo ain't coming through with his marriage proposal, so... **sigh** eyp. I HAVE to work. ;)
Honestly, I'd work anyways, but I am not looking forward to chemicals and all that. I am SO allergic to them, I can look forward to being sick most of the winter.
:p
other than that? I am still full from Thursday.
:)
off to put up the Christmas tree. My mom uses a fake one, which is JUST fine, as she is prone to fire type accidents with a real tree.
one year, I put it together upside down...
29 November 2008
28 November 2008
From the north
I am at t1k's house... YAY!
so far, I've eaten to much, and currently the family is trying to pull quills out of the most timid dog they own...
the poor girl. She won't mess with a porcupine again.
:) Hope your turkey day was a good and fat one.
:* mwah!
so far, I've eaten to much, and currently the family is trying to pull quills out of the most timid dog they own...
the poor girl. She won't mess with a porcupine again.
:) Hope your turkey day was a good and fat one.
:* mwah!
26 November 2008
I keep animals because...???
It is cold, but absolutely gorgeous out this morning. Good thing, or I might be in a grumpy mood.
For some odd reason, I have been getting waking up at six every morning for the past two weeks or so. Like, just spontaneously going **POOF** and there I am. Ponit of fact, I'm so awake, that most mornings I have crawled out of bed before the animals are up.
Not so this morning. I took something last night to "help" me sleep (I did sleep, but had nightmares... yuk) and so this morning, my body missed the six a.m wake up.
The dog and cats? They do not have such problems. But I lay there, in a half awake state, dreaming...
I'm laying in my nice cozy bed, and the world is all about me, a fuzzy, though indistinct loveliness. I've a servant to bring the java, hot and tasty, along with my toast and fruit...
The servant, with his (yes, his) gentle servant attitude, taps me gently on the shoulder, saying,
"Mums, it is time to get up" (wait, MUMS??)
I snooze on...brain fog still intact.
Another tap.
"Mums?" (what is WITH this MUMS thing??)
Apparently out of patience, my lovely servant goes;
**BAM!** and delivers full slap, right across my nose.
I open my eyes, brain fog totally gone, to find that on one side, Baby Cat is sitting on my pillow ~ her paw in the air, as though preparing another swing at my nose. On the other side is Old Cat, her paws tucked neatly under her bosoms ~ only to keep her innocence in this whole thing intact.
They look at one another, and satisfied that I am awake, stick their tails in the air and walk over to sit patiently by their food dishes.
Old Dog, taking the cue from the cats, (my bed is on the floor) comes over and wags her body, breathing in my face and farting the whole time...
eesh.
I have animals because... ????
For some odd reason, I have been
Not so this morning. I took something last night to "help" me sleep (I did sleep, but had nightmares... yuk) and so this morning, my body missed the six a.m wake up.
The dog and cats? They do not have such problems. But I lay there, in a half awake state, dreaming...
I'm laying in my nice cozy bed, and the world is all about me, a fuzzy, though indistinct loveliness. I've a servant to bring the java, hot and tasty, along with my toast and fruit...
The servant, with his (yes, his) gentle servant attitude, taps me gently on the shoulder, saying,
"Mums, it is time to get up" (wait, MUMS??)
I snooze on...brain fog still intact.
Another tap.
"Mums?" (what is WITH this MUMS thing??)
Apparently out of patience, my lovely servant goes;
**BAM!** and delivers full slap, right across my nose.
I open my eyes, brain fog totally gone, to find that on one side, Baby Cat is sitting on my pillow ~ her paw in the air, as though preparing another swing at my nose. On the other side is Old Cat, her paws tucked neatly under her bosoms ~ only to keep her innocence in this whole thing intact.
They look at one another, and satisfied that I am awake, stick their tails in the air and walk over to sit patiently by their food dishes.
Old Dog, taking the cue from the cats, (my bed is on the floor) comes over and wags her body, breathing in my face and farting the whole time...
eesh.
I have animals because... ????
25 November 2008
**YAWN**
I wish that I could say everyone is fed, but I still have to drive across and feed Bud.
**yawn**
I don't think I slept to well last night ~ kinda like every other night I suppose.
:p I have the stupid rash thing on my face (the one that says "LUPUS") today ~ I am U.G.L.Y.
I tell you ~ being ill and not having any kind of health care does not make ones self esteem any easier to recover.
So... even while I am trolling about for my lost esteem, occasionally good things do happen.
Yesterday, it being Monday, was not expected to be of any good consequence. BUT!!!
After t1k called and said she was on her way to the city with a new tire for the SIL's truck, I figured... why not go meet her? I could see the house that SIL is building, and maye t1k and I could go out to lunch...
We had fun. We wandered around Wal Mart, and after an hour of just looking at things, I was running out of gas, so we went to Arbys for food ~ then I took her back to her truck (parked at the job site) to head home.
I got to look at the house, SIL really is gifted at building. I was TOTALLY amazed at the quality of what he has done! The roof shingles arrived while I was touring the frame, I got to see how they put them up on the roof ~ (has a little conveyor type belt thing on an extend able boom)
The house owner was there ~ and he, while being a bit nosy about my religious beliefs, seemed really nice.
AND!
He gave each one of the guys on the crew an entire Thanksgiving dinner.
O.O
Made me cry all the way home, cuz I barely make the payments on the horse and his accrutrements, let along having any way to buy a Turkey Day feast for 6 people.
Guess God really does care sometimes, ya know?
So... thanks to all that share over the holidays ~ and any other time of year for that matter. Does not count how big or small the gift, it all makes a difference.
:* MWAH!!!
**yawn**
I don't think I slept to well last night ~ kinda like every other night I suppose.
:p I have the stupid rash thing on my face (the one that says "LUPUS") today ~ I am U.G.L.Y.
I tell you ~ being ill and not having any kind of health care does not make ones self esteem any easier to recover.
So... even while I am trolling about for my lost esteem, occasionally good things do happen.
Yesterday, it being Monday, was not expected to be of any good consequence. BUT!!!
After t1k called and said she was on her way to the city with a new tire for the SIL's truck, I figured... why not go meet her? I could see the house that SIL is building, and maye t1k and I could go out to lunch...
We had fun. We wandered around Wal Mart, and after an hour of just looking at things, I was running out of gas, so we went to Arbys for food ~ then I took her back to her truck (parked at the job site) to head home.
I got to look at the house, SIL really is gifted at building. I was TOTALLY amazed at the quality of what he has done! The roof shingles arrived while I was touring the frame, I got to see how they put them up on the roof ~ (has a little conveyor type belt thing on an extend able boom)
The house owner was there ~ and he, while being a bit nosy about my religious beliefs, seemed really nice.
AND!
He gave each one of the guys on the crew an entire Thanksgiving dinner.
O.O
Made me cry all the way home, cuz I barely make the payments on the horse and his accrutrements, let along having any way to buy a Turkey Day feast for 6 people.
Guess God really does care sometimes, ya know?
So... thanks to all that share over the holidays ~ and any other time of year for that matter. Does not count how big or small the gift, it all makes a difference.
:* MWAH!!!
24 November 2008
later this morning, and I am back...
well, the self esteem thing did not work out to well. Bud is pushing through the fence again, and now, I feel that if I am going to keep him at this place, I am going to have to hot wire the fence.
Granted, the fence is old, and the whole place has been neglected, but DAMN it MAN! WHY does he have to do this?
It is because people fed him over the fence last summer, and now? Things are always better on the other side. **sigh** STOOPUD PEOPLE!!!!
So... SWEAR WORDS!!!! **sigh**
Enough of that, on to better things!
Baby Cat has discovered a new game. Inadvertently, but now it has become regular thing.
I have a chair in the front window, it is one of those that spins about on its feet. (annoyance, but the chair was free) One day, Old Cat was sitting in the chair, snoozing in the sun ~ her tail flipping a bit.
Baby Cat, fascinated with the tail movement, stalked the chair and for some odd reason, thought seriously that she could make it from the bed to the chair. With a mighty LEAP through the air...
She missed, but landed on the side of the chair ~ and even with her slight weight, the chair made a slow turn around its' axis.
Her baby eyes got wide, and she looooked at me... Of course, I thought it funny, and said "good kitty! you made the chair move!"
(Old Cat looks over at me, it is apparent that she can NOT believe that I would say such a thing. She glares at me, I can see my impending doom written on her face...)
About half an hour later, bored with all her toys, Baby Kitty is on the end of the bed again.
Same spot as before, looking at the chair.
(Old Cat is still in repose within the depths of said chair. With the strange abilities that all cats have, she watches Baby Cat closely, without seeming too...)
Baby Cat, concentrating very hard from the end of the bed, goes;
**LEAP**
**CATCH**
The landing is to high on the side of the chair, it turns, but not as well.
So! Back to the end of the bed...
**LEAP**
**CATCH**
Landing is to low, the chair did not spin at all.
Back to the end of the bed...
**BUTT WIGGLE**
**pause**
**BUTT WIGGLE**
**pause**
**BUTT WIGGLE, LLLLLEEEEEEAP!!!!**
**SUSPENDED, SUSPENSEFUL MOMENT**
**CATCH**
and the chair does a perfect pirouette, a full 360 degrees.
Was it a fluke? Was it a plan?
Back to the bed to find out!
**BUTT WIGGLE**
**pause**
**BUTT WIGGLE**
**pause**
**BUTT WIGGLE, LLLLLLEEEEEEAP!!**
**CATCH**
Perfect again, the chair slowly turns all the way around.
After two more perfect leaps and catches by her new nemesis, proof that indeed it is not a fluke, Old Cat no longer seems to like the chair.
Maybe I will have pity upon her and move the chair somewhere else...
Nah... I'll wait until I meet my doom.
:D
Granted, the fence is old, and the whole place has been neglected, but DAMN it MAN! WHY does he have to do this?
It is because people fed him over the fence last summer, and now? Things are always better on the other side. **sigh** STOOPUD PEOPLE!!!!
So... SWEAR WORDS!!!! **sigh**
Enough of that, on to better things!
Baby Cat has discovered a new game. Inadvertently, but now it has become regular thing.
I have a chair in the front window, it is one of those that spins about on its feet. (annoyance, but the chair was free) One day, Old Cat was sitting in the chair, snoozing in the sun ~ her tail flipping a bit.
Baby Cat, fascinated with the tail movement, stalked the chair and for some odd reason, thought seriously that she could make it from the bed to the chair. With a mighty LEAP through the air...
She missed, but landed on the side of the chair ~ and even with her slight weight, the chair made a slow turn around its' axis.
Her baby eyes got wide, and she looooked at me... Of course, I thought it funny, and said "good kitty! you made the chair move!"
(Old Cat looks over at me, it is apparent that she can NOT believe that I would say such a thing. She glares at me, I can see my impending doom written on her face...)
About half an hour later, bored with all her toys, Baby Kitty is on the end of the bed again.
Same spot as before, looking at the chair.
(Old Cat is still in repose within the depths of said chair. With the strange abilities that all cats have, she watches Baby Cat closely, without seeming too...)
Baby Cat, concentrating very hard from the end of the bed, goes;
**LEAP**
**CATCH**
The landing is to high on the side of the chair, it turns, but not as well.
So! Back to the end of the bed...
**LEAP**
**CATCH**
Landing is to low, the chair did not spin at all.
Back to the end of the bed...
**BUTT WIGGLE**
**pause**
**BUTT WIGGLE**
**pause**
**BUTT WIGGLE, LLLLLEEEEEEAP!!!!**
**SUSPENDED, SUSPENSEFUL MOMENT**
**CATCH**
and the chair does a perfect pirouette, a full 360 degrees.
Was it a fluke? Was it a plan?
Back to the bed to find out!
**BUTT WIGGLE**
**pause**
**BUTT WIGGLE**
**pause**
**BUTT WIGGLE, LLLLLLEEEEEEAP!!**
**CATCH**
Perfect again, the chair slowly turns all the way around.
After two more perfect leaps and catches by her new nemesis, proof that indeed it is not a fluke, Old Cat no longer seems to like the chair.
Maybe I will have pity upon her and move the chair somewhere else...
Nah... I'll wait until I meet my doom.
:D
to damn early
dunno what the heck is up, but I woke up at five on the nose this morning ~ after dreaming for a bit about Viggo.
**sigh** no, did not want to get up after that!!
Nearly time to run across to feed the horses, I am trying to get myself to the point where I do that early, and then feed them later in the day. I am hoping that a job will present itself (all the applications, no bites yet!! DAMMIT) one day this week. I want to begin working ON December first if at all possible.
I am going to try to afford the gas to get to t1k's house for the Holiday. None of us have any money, so there isn't going to be much of a "dinner" ~ which is okay I suppose, it is more a day to spend together than anything, ya know? t3k is coming back down with me on Friday, and I may have to drive her back up on Sunday ~
**shrug**
help me viggo! **sigh**
It is hard to keep the chin up sometimes ~ I have been looking for work for three months, and nothing is to be had. I'm down to doingmaid housekeeping, which in itself is not a bad job... I am just allergic to all the chemicals used to kill things in the rooms. Add a horrific dustmite allergy, and it is a pretty safe bet that I am going to be sicker than I am now.
**shrug**
ya gotta do what ya gotta do, ya know?
:p
Running low on the self worth this morning, so I am going to go see my horse, and hope that cheers me up.
**sigh** no, did not want to get up after that!!
Nearly time to run across to feed the horses, I am trying to get myself to the point where I do that early, and then feed them later in the day. I am hoping that a job will present itself (all the applications, no bites yet!! DAMMIT) one day this week. I want to begin working ON December first if at all possible.
I am going to try to afford the gas to get to t1k's house for the Holiday. None of us have any money, so there isn't going to be much of a "dinner" ~ which is okay I suppose, it is more a day to spend together than anything, ya know? t3k is coming back down with me on Friday, and I may have to drive her back up on Sunday ~
**shrug**
help me viggo! **sigh**
It is hard to keep the chin up sometimes ~ I have been looking for work for three months, and nothing is to be had. I'm down to doing
**shrug**
ya gotta do what ya gotta do, ya know?
:p
Running low on the self worth this morning, so I am going to go see my horse, and hope that cheers me up.
23 November 2008
Racks
I've a smallish kitty, she was a rescue (another one... **sigh**) and she is older than her size says. That being said, she is more agile than a kitten her size would be, right?
yes, it makes sense.
Now. In no particular order, here is a list of things that run/ruin her life...
1)Mamma is the human lady.
2)Big Cat is NOT The mamma.
2.5) Big Cat exsists to be a thorn in my side.
3)The dogs are things that smell bad, make me sneeze and get in the way of running madly about when ever the mood strikes. More commonly known as the "rips"
4)If it will support a slight weight, Ican will climb it.
5) If it moves, I shall do my best to stop it from moving ~ even if it might cost me my life...
5.5) well, not really, but you know what I mean...
6) learn the word NO.
6.5) If only so you know when to look at your human with blatant disregard and do whatever it was you were not supposed to do.
7) purr loudly at all times, the human mamma thinks it is endearing.
8) chase your own tail when you are bored...it is a great way to guilt the human in to making the **flippy toy move.
9) make rules up all the time, adding them to the lists and things as you go.
10) if as a small animal, (or a large one for that matter) you must get lost, make sure you do it close to my moms' house, you will have a good life from then on in.
eyp. **sigh**
All of our cats are taught to balance on shoulders ~ she has learnt quicker than most.
Only thing is... she has also learnt to walk across the FRONT of me ~ the rack is plenty big, so she takes advantage of it.
See viggo? You don't know what you are missing...
:*
**flippy toy ~ plastic flexible rod with a fleece strip attached to the end.
yes, it makes sense.
Now. In no particular order, here is a list of things that run/ruin her life...
1)Mamma is the human lady.
2)Big Cat is NOT The mamma.
2.5) Big Cat exsists to be a thorn in my side.
3)The dogs are things that smell bad, make me sneeze and get in the way of running madly about when ever the mood strikes. More commonly known as the "rips"
4)If it will support a slight weight, I
5) If it moves, I shall do my best to stop it from moving ~ even if it might cost me my life...
5.5) well, not really, but you know what I mean...
6) learn the word NO.
6.5) If only so you know when to look at your human with blatant disregard and do whatever it was you were not supposed to do.
7) purr loudly at all times, the human mamma thinks it is endearing.
8) chase your own tail when you are bored...it is a great way to guilt the human in to making the **flippy toy move.
9) make rules up all the time, adding them to the lists and things as you go.
10) if as a small animal, (or a large one for that matter) you must get lost, make sure you do it close to my moms' house, you will have a good life from then on in.
eyp. **sigh**
All of our cats are taught to balance on shoulders ~ she has learnt quicker than most.
Only thing is... she has also learnt to walk across the FRONT of me ~ the rack is plenty big, so she takes advantage of it.
See viggo? You don't know what you are missing...
:*
**flippy toy ~ plastic flexible rod with a fleece strip attached to the end.
22 November 2008
to much time on my hands
WAY to much. I am waiting the two hours I normally wait for the Budman to finish up his breakfast so I can run back across to put him out in the big field.
I am tiring of this trip, it is harder and harder to do. I've not a choice, as the LL isn't to good at consistency. Her hubby is here, and she does not trust him, which translates to me not being there as much, and her keeping an eye on him all the time.
SO!
Things go apace. I will spend today taking things to the storage, and getting more/most of the stuff out that I do not absolutely need here. If I am not using it, it goes buh-bye to the place of lost things. :)
I'm in no hurry to do this though, I know that I must make room as I go, or it will come back to haunt me sooner than later, as in: frustration and stupid decisions.
The saddles, the blankets, the coats that I can not get rid of, and ... maybe the things from the top of the refrigerator. Then, the gardening things, and pots, and then... ME!
**sigh** don't I wish. the big things are the saddles and the like, they are truly in the way out in the garage. My mom was MORE than pleased about the thought that I was moving MY things out of HER way.
She is like that. Says "oh, you can keep it in the garage" and then "OH I am SO glad you are getting that out of my way..."
My mother is not a very nice woman. Selfish and self centered, everything is about her...
**sigh**
yeah yeah I know. Git mah azz in gear and move away.
I'm WORKIN' on it!!!
m'kay, loser girl has to go put her horse to field, then run her self to death getting things out of here.
:*
later dudes
I am tiring of this trip, it is harder and harder to do. I've not a choice, as the LL isn't to good at consistency. Her hubby is here, and she does not trust him, which translates to me not being there as much, and her keeping an eye on him all the time.
SO!
Things go apace. I will spend today taking things to the storage, and getting more/most of the stuff out that I do not absolutely need here. If I am not using it, it goes buh-bye to the place of lost things. :)
I'm in no hurry to do this though, I know that I must make room as I go, or it will come back to haunt me sooner than later, as in: frustration and stupid decisions.
The saddles, the blankets, the coats that I can not get rid of, and ... maybe the things from the top of the refrigerator. Then, the gardening things, and pots, and then... ME!
**sigh** don't I wish. the big things are the saddles and the like, they are truly in the way out in the garage. My mom was MORE than pleased about the thought that I was moving MY things out of HER way.
She is like that. Says "oh, you can keep it in the garage" and then "OH I am SO glad you are getting that out of my way..."
My mother is not a very nice woman. Selfish and self centered, everything is about her...
**sigh**
yeah yeah I know. Git mah azz in gear and move away.
I'm WORKIN' on it!!!
m'kay, loser girl has to go put her horse to field, then run her self to death getting things out of here.
:*
later dudes
21 November 2008
Friday
Spent the morning on the phone with tk1, she needed to vent about the girl that lives with them. It has become a problem ~ she wants to be treated like an adult, but does not want to make adult decisions...be responsible for them type thing. T1k and her hubby do not charge her any rent, pay all the gas and food, and while I think the young lady in question is grateful, when it comes to following the rules, it is hard for her ~ because the rule of the day might not be convenient for her.
**sigh** welcome to motherhood, eh??
It was gray and nasty out, the fog was at ground level. Made me want to cry the whole morning away actually. A HUGE part of that is living here ~ it frustrates and makes me angry most of the time ~ my mother is very blatant about things. I mean ~ to have everything I do either REdone, or put down when mom does not acknowledge that I did something, or that I know something...(long story, has to do with the windows)
I want to move away from here so badly, I can't even express it in words. I know that I can not afford to, and that makes it even worse.
So how do I work around the fact that everything I do is worthless (read: I am worthless) and try to get some semblence of life, to get to the point where I CAN move out, and feel as though anything I do has merit? How do I blow off my mother, still being nice to her, and get past all this shit? I don't even want to have anything to do with her any longer ~ understandable, eh? **sigh**
Not being able to find work doesn't help at all, and only increases my sense of hopelessness...something I know I have carried for the past many many years, and will get better with time, IF I can find a way to give myself the time I need.
All I need is a place to live with my dogs and kitties, and I would be okay.
Finding that? Impossible. So...
what do I do?
**sigh**
**sigh** welcome to motherhood, eh??
It was gray and nasty out, the fog was at ground level. Made me want to cry the whole morning away actually. A HUGE part of that is living here ~ it frustrates and makes me angry most of the time ~ my mother is very blatant about things. I mean ~ to have everything I do either REdone, or put down when mom does not acknowledge that I did something, or that I know something...(long story, has to do with the windows)
I want to move away from here so badly, I can't even express it in words. I know that I can not afford to, and that makes it even worse.
So how do I work around the fact that everything I do is worthless (read: I am worthless) and try to get some semblence of life, to get to the point where I CAN move out, and feel as though anything I do has merit? How do I blow off my mother, still being nice to her, and get past all this shit? I don't even want to have anything to do with her any longer ~ understandable, eh? **sigh**
Not being able to find work doesn't help at all, and only increases my sense of hopelessness...something I know I have carried for the past many many years, and will get better with time, IF I can find a way to give myself the time I need.
All I need is a place to live with my dogs and kitties, and I would be okay.
Finding that? Impossible. So...
what do I do?
**sigh**
20 November 2008
Icky
it is cold out this morning, my new long undies are not here yet. Got the rain gear, have yet to try it on ~ Probably won't need it now though, just because I went to the expense to buy it... Fortunately, rain gear never goes out of "style".
Been to feed the horses, Bud is cribbing now. He makes me nutz sometimes, I can not keep up with his boredom. I can not find the time to ride him, and to be honest, I have not the confidence to ride anyways, so... **shrug** I dunno. Maybe it is time to sell him back to the lady I bought him from? She is terrified of the dude, so... yeah.
He will need a lot of round pen work before I put my butt back on him ~
I need some kind of break here Lord, Or I am going to just give up!
**sigh**
No word from anyone, nothing to do today that is important. I will sort, and bring home my work table to begin to make things whilst I am sitting on my ass waiting for SOMETHING to happen.
Stupid president. I wonder how it feels to be the worst man in the history of the united states?
:p
yeah, treason. but hey. It is true. His decisions have sucked bollocks from day one...
off to the day.
whee.
Been to feed the horses, Bud is cribbing now. He makes me nutz sometimes, I can not keep up with his boredom. I can not find the time to ride him, and to be honest, I have not the confidence to ride anyways, so... **shrug** I dunno. Maybe it is time to sell him back to the lady I bought him from? She is terrified of the dude, so... yeah.
He will need a lot of round pen work before I put my butt back on him ~
I need some kind of break here Lord, Or I am going to just give up!
**sigh**
No word from anyone, nothing to do today that is important. I will sort, and bring home my work table to begin to make things whilst I am sitting on my ass waiting for SOMETHING to happen.
Stupid president. I wonder how it feels to be the worst man in the history of the united states?
:p
yeah, treason. but hey. It is true. His decisions have sucked bollocks from day one...
off to the day.
whee.
19 November 2008
transitioning
I amaze myself some days, with the crazy swings of feelings that I go through. Mostly they are innocuous, but some days, I (quite literally) hate myself.
**shrug** no, I do not know why, nor can I afford someone who can "help" me figure out why...so shut up and do not even go there. Sadly, there are many like me in this world, so ... :P
I hate myself for being stupid most of my life. I hate myself for thinking of other people first, I hate myself for not being somewhere in my life at the age I am now and liking it. I hate myself for hating myself. I hate myself for hurting because my children are all assholes. I hate myself for obviously fucking up and not raising them right. I hate myself for loving my ex when he was clearly an asshole. I hate myself for living with my mom.
Mostly, I just hate everything that I am now...and ever have been. I kind of feel as though I've never ever had anything worthwhile in my life, and that everything I did love is now nothing but gone, and I hate it...
**sigh**
obviously I do not take transitions well, eh?
:p
**shrug** no, I do not know why, nor can I afford someone who can "help" me figure out why...so shut up and do not even go there. Sadly, there are many like me in this world, so ... :P
I hate myself for being stupid most of my life. I hate myself for thinking of other people first, I hate myself for not being somewhere in my life at the age I am now and liking it. I hate myself for hating myself. I hate myself for hurting because my children are all assholes. I hate myself for obviously fucking up and not raising them right. I hate myself for loving my ex when he was clearly an asshole. I hate myself for living with my mom.
Mostly, I just hate everything that I am now...and ever have been. I kind of feel as though I've never ever had anything worthwhile in my life, and that everything I did love is now nothing but gone, and I hate it...
**sigh**
obviously I do not take transitions well, eh?
:p
18 November 2008
nothing
yet.
**sigh** somehow, I have to remain positive, and have faith that SOMETHING will come through before to long...
spent the day just "doing" so far. I went down and rearranged things in the storage, it is now ready for me to begin repacking the things I would like to keep, and sorting through the things I do not remember I have...
I am lonely today, I miss my girls. I had hoped that I could adjust, and have something to do before now, but no such luck.
:p
Life bites sometimes, dudnt'it??
moving on...
I must needs be off to finish with the things I brought home, I think I am going to set up my paint table ~ don't know that I can keep the cat off of it, but hey... footie prints on the project might not be to bad, might just make the whole thing better.
:)
But then, maybe I'll just take a nap...
**sigh** somehow, I have to remain positive, and have faith that SOMETHING will come through before to long...
spent the day just "doing" so far. I went down and rearranged things in the storage, it is now ready for me to begin repacking the things I would like to keep, and sorting through the things I do not remember I have...
I am lonely today, I miss my girls. I had hoped that I could adjust, and have something to do before now, but no such luck.
:p
Life bites sometimes, dudnt'it??
moving on...
I must needs be off to finish with the things I brought home, I think I am going to set up my paint table ~ don't know that I can keep the cat off of it, but hey... footie prints on the project might not be to bad, might just make the whole thing better.
:)
But then, maybe I'll just take a nap...
17 November 2008
damn
it is 7 p.m. and all I want to do is go to bed. I am (sorta kinda) watching RFDTv ~ it is about horses...
But I do not really want to watch. It makes me mad, sick, sad, and over all angry.
No, I do not know why?!
**sigh**
I'm tired, guess I really should go to bed.
But I do not really want to watch. It makes me mad, sick, sad, and over all angry.
No, I do not know why?!
**sigh**
I'm tired, guess I really should go to bed.
mini rant
M'kay... I live with my mom, out of choice currently... I want to pay up on the bills that I have not been able to do, and the only way I can do this is to stay here.
While I doubt my sanity will stay intact (yeah, I know, WHAT sanity) there are days where I just can not BELIEVE the things that come out of my mothers mouth.
She had the BALLS to say (within my hearing) that her skylights were not leaking... oh wait. She actually said "To MY knowledge, they are not leaking"
Now, I TOLD her that the big one here in the room was leaking a bit. She did not "have" the time to come in and look... I know why now.
She is in denial as usual.
**shrug** makes me feel pretty lousy that NOTHING I say is taken with any kind of credit.
So? I feel no remorse about not telling her what the problems are that I find with the place, and I feel nothing about the fact that when asked, I will say "do not ask me, go figure it out for yourself."
I'm done, ya know? I can not help her any more, not at the cost of my own worth.
My mom is really actually a nice person.
Except to me.
so... **shrug** she is so on her own now.
end of rant... continue on with your regular day...
:*
While I doubt my sanity will stay intact (yeah, I know, WHAT sanity) there are days where I just can not BELIEVE the things that come out of my mothers mouth.
She had the BALLS to say (within my hearing) that her skylights were not leaking... oh wait. She actually said "To MY knowledge, they are not leaking"
Now, I TOLD her that the big one here in the room was leaking a bit. She did not "have" the time to come in and look... I know why now.
She is in denial as usual.
**shrug** makes me feel pretty lousy that NOTHING I say is taken with any kind of credit.
So? I feel no remorse about not telling her what the problems are that I find with the place, and I feel nothing about the fact that when asked, I will say "do not ask me, go figure it out for yourself."
I'm done, ya know? I can not help her any more, not at the cost of my own worth.
My mom is really actually a nice person.
Except to me.
so... **shrug** she is so on her own now.
end of rant... continue on with your regular day...
:*
and the week begins...
**yawn**
Slept in my own bed last night ~ actually went to bed around 8, though I did read for about an hour. I was a bit put off to find out that I'd screwed up and the book I chose last week from the library was one I'd already read.
Light From Heaven by Jan Karon ~ but that is okay, really. I like the Mitford books, and it wasn't anything I had to actually THINK about while I read ~ relaxed me enough to fall asleep.
I love the mail order library. :) This week I (re)read the above book, and then read Rakkety Tam by Brian Jacques. It was good, though I did skip parts... Mr. Jacques books all read the same, which is fine, but I can only read them occasionally now because of it.
Now? I'm reading a book loaned by my other mother, by Jasper Fford callled the Eyre Affair. Hard to begin ~ but I shall see. Most of the time M.O.M knows what she is talking about with books, I just take a bit of get into them, then they are pretty good. My O.M is a former librarian... :)
My O.M is at the Ex spouses' this week ~ so I am not having to worry about her at all until next week. We finally talked her into a second opinion on her medical stuff ~ thank the powers that be! She can be the most ornery of people, but even she knows now that the stuff she is going through can NOT be "normal".
Go My O.M!! heh... 84 years old.
So, with third back to her abode in the North, my day/week returns to the mundane and normal. I get up, feed my pony, feed his buddies, come home, eat breakfast, type on here for a bit, read email, send email, think about giving Harley a bath, watch the Baby kitty go berserker for a bit, look about for work, fill out applications, turn in applications, and then go let Budman back out into the big pasture for the day.
Lather, rinse, repeat...
**sigh**
I lead a boring life. Today though, I've some excitement... Bud gets his hoof trim ~ all four! ... WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
**sigh**
I need a place for me to ride Bud ~ I need a house of my own, with a bit of a barn for Bud and a friend... I really really want to ... what?
**sigh**
viggo? help? You love me right? At least enough to buy me a bit of a place?
**sigh**
Honestly, I do not think that I am going to make much progress on me until I can get away from my mom, and all the shit that goes with her. God knows SHE isn't going to change, and I am finding that she does all in her power to keep me from changing.
So!
yeah.
off to fill out applications, and maybe use my resume software...
:*
Slept in my own bed last night ~ actually went to bed around 8, though I did read for about an hour. I was a bit put off to find out that I'd screwed up and the book I chose last week from the library was one I'd already read.
Light From Heaven by Jan Karon ~ but that is okay, really. I like the Mitford books, and it wasn't anything I had to actually THINK about while I read ~ relaxed me enough to fall asleep.
I love the mail order library. :) This week I (re)read the above book, and then read Rakkety Tam by Brian Jacques. It was good, though I did skip parts... Mr. Jacques books all read the same, which is fine, but I can only read them occasionally now because of it.
Now? I'm reading a book loaned by my other mother, by Jasper Fford callled the Eyre Affair. Hard to begin ~ but I shall see. Most of the time M.O.M knows what she is talking about with books, I just take a bit of get into them, then they are pretty good. My O.M is a former librarian... :)
My O.M is at the Ex spouses' this week ~ so I am not having to worry about her at all until next week. We finally talked her into a second opinion on her medical stuff ~ thank the powers that be! She can be the most ornery of people, but even she knows now that the stuff she is going through can NOT be "normal".
Go My O.M!! heh... 84 years old.
So, with third back to her abode in the North, my day/week returns to the mundane and normal. I get up, feed my pony, feed his buddies, come home, eat breakfast, type on here for a bit, read email, send email, think about giving Harley a bath, watch the Baby kitty go berserker for a bit, look about for work, fill out applications, turn in applications, and then go let Budman back out into the big pasture for the day.
Lather, rinse, repeat...
**sigh**
I lead a boring life. Today though, I've some excitement... Bud gets his hoof trim ~ all four! ... WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
**sigh**
I need a place for me to ride Bud ~ I need a house of my own, with a bit of a barn for Bud and a friend... I really really want to ... what?
**sigh**
viggo? help? You love me right? At least enough to buy me a bit of a place?
**sigh**
Honestly, I do not think that I am going to make much progress on me until I can get away from my mom, and all the shit that goes with her. God knows SHE isn't going to change, and I am finding that she does all in her power to keep me from changing.
So!
yeah.
off to fill out applications, and maybe use my resume software...
:*
16 November 2008
asdf jkl;
dude, like... I can't believe that I have survived a weekend with Third. **sigh**
Not done yet. She is currently getting dressed, and then we will go downtown so she can see one of her friends from this school district.
so. off to be B.O.R.E.D
:*
Not done yet. She is currently getting dressed, and then we will go downtown so she can see one of her friends from this school district.
so. off to be B.O.R.E.D
:*
15 November 2008
half done
Just getting my butt in gear, and the horses are paying the price. I hope the LL gets out to put them out in the big pasture ~ though I AM going over as soon as I finish my coffee.
The youngest of my three is here this weekend, and it is interesting. She has not changed one iota in the months she has been living in the north. Makes me glad, but it is kind of weird at the same time?! I don't know exactly what I expected, but it was not this. Her dog is here too, she is a crumbling mess of nerves that gets on my nerves easily. She is just a naturally hyper mutt, (border collie... ERK!) and ... yeah. :p
The Dogs are are adjusting to the hyper one okay. Old Dog does it with the "I'll ignore it and pretend she doesn't exist" attitude that only flies just a little bit with Hyper Dog (YngDg) ~ Hyper one will see that Old one is walking away, and then... BOOM! will hit Old Dog broadside with her body ~ though it is a gentler hit than Hyper one uses on Harley Dog.
As the youngest, (and dumbest) dog in the lot, Harley gets pretty bashed up. He does not listen to any of the known species on the planet, including his peers... and so they have a tendency to pick on him a bit. I mean seriously. How many times can you ask nicely for someone to leave you alone before you have to hit them over the head with a BRICK???
With Harley? Even the bricks do not work.
**sigh**
Time to go shovel manure.
oh the joy of having horses.
WHEE!!!!
:*
The youngest of my three is here this weekend, and it is interesting. She has not changed one iota in the months she has been living in the north. Makes me glad, but it is kind of weird at the same time?! I don't know exactly what I expected, but it was not this. Her dog is here too, she is a crumbling mess of nerves that gets on my nerves easily. She is just a naturally hyper mutt, (border collie... ERK!) and ... yeah. :p
The Dogs are are adjusting to the hyper one okay. Old Dog does it with the "I'll ignore it and pretend she doesn't exist" attitude that only flies just a little bit with Hyper Dog (YngDg) ~ Hyper one will see that Old one is walking away, and then... BOOM! will hit Old Dog broadside with her body ~ though it is a gentler hit than Hyper one uses on Harley Dog.
As the youngest, (and dumbest) dog in the lot, Harley gets pretty bashed up. He does not listen to any of the known species on the planet, including his peers... and so they have a tendency to pick on him a bit. I mean seriously. How many times can you ask nicely for someone to leave you alone before you have to hit them over the head with a BRICK???
With Harley? Even the bricks do not work.
**sigh**
Time to go shovel manure.
oh the joy of having horses.
WHEE!!!!
:*
14 November 2008
back on track
got up at 6, made the coffee, put the dogs out for their morning yard check, fed the kitties (Old Cat doesn't like her own food) and am watching Baby Cat chase the cursor across the screen here.
Good thing that blogger has speel chek...
Cold this morning, and will be nice today for weather I think. I've about an hour to wait until I go feed the ponies ~ I will know then.
I left Budman in the main pen with Angel and Ruby ~ hope that was okay. I'm going to feed him this morning in his own stall, I am not sure that he is allowing the other two to eat enough.
It was LLadys' choice to do it that way, though when she figures it out, she will be mad at the horse, so... **shrug**
Today, I shall go apply at places like... McDonalds. If I were to be hired, I would be the only white person, and as I only understand a bit of Spanish, it would be... interesting.
Took the time yesterday to search about online to find a resume program ~ it was free, so I am quite sure that I am going to get what I paid for. That sucks but I kind of figured I needed new rain gear worse than I needed a resume program. I have NO idea how to build said resume, I am not very good at selling myself ~ I'd be a lot better off if I could, ya know? (bad joke, yes)I've applied for a lot of jobs on line now, and each of them wants a resume ~ no face to face meetings to turn in applications, no first impressions in person, no chance to have a chance because someone likes how you look. That is so... cold, and digitized. Like some kind of horror movie in the works. Soon I shall be nothing but a sign in number from a home that monitors everything I do so the government can send my monthly check to watch where it goes too.
icky thoughts.
The news says that Monitceto ~ Santa Barbara area is going up in flame and smoke. The estimate is that at least 100 homes are gone. I can't imagine having a house of my own to live in, let alone having one that costs a million or more, and has enough room to put six or seven families in. O.O
off to feed myself, finish the coffee and wake up completely.
**yawn** I'd rather just go back to bed.
EDIT
Bud cut his leg, I freaked out... so now, I'm all "GAAAAAAH" ...
**sigh**
noon thirty. off to eat lunch
Good thing that blogger has speel chek...
Cold this morning, and will be nice today for weather I think. I've about an hour to wait until I go feed the ponies ~ I will know then.
I left Budman in the main pen with Angel and Ruby ~ hope that was okay. I'm going to feed him this morning in his own stall, I am not sure that he is allowing the other two to eat enough.
It was LLadys' choice to do it that way, though when she figures it out, she will be mad at the horse, so... **shrug**
Today, I shall go apply at places like... McDonalds. If I were to be hired, I would be the only white person, and as I only understand a bit of Spanish, it would be... interesting.
Took the time yesterday to search about online to find a resume program ~ it was free, so I am quite sure that I am going to get what I paid for. That sucks but I kind of figured I needed new rain gear worse than I needed a resume program. I have NO idea how to build said resume, I am not very good at selling myself ~ I'd be a lot better off if I could, ya know? (bad joke, yes)I've applied for a lot of jobs on line now, and each of them wants a resume ~ no face to face meetings to turn in applications, no first impressions in person, no chance to have a chance because someone likes how you look. That is so... cold, and digitized. Like some kind of horror movie in the works. Soon I shall be nothing but a sign in number from a home that monitors everything I do so the government can send my monthly check to watch where it goes too.
icky thoughts.
The news says that Monitceto ~ Santa Barbara area is going up in flame and smoke. The estimate is that at least 100 homes are gone. I can't imagine having a house of my own to live in, let alone having one that costs a million or more, and has enough room to put six or seven families in. O.O
off to feed myself, finish the coffee and wake up completely.
**yawn** I'd rather just go back to bed.
EDIT
Bud cut his leg, I freaked out... so now, I'm all "GAAAAAAH" ...
**sigh**
noon thirty. off to eat lunch
13 November 2008
heavy rain, and working out in it...
To anyone that has been watching the news, this is no news. The PNW was hit very hard in the past 24 hours with the pineapple express out of the sea of japan ~ Means that moisture from an old typhoon rode in on the jet stream, directly over the top of the Cascade Mountains.
It was UGLY. We got 4+ inches of water in 24 hours, something we usually do in January every year, not November. Fortunately, it is warm outside so the ground is soaking up what landed on it, and the rivers have already crested ~ neither of the local ones at or above flood stage. Working out in the downpour to make sure everything was winter ready soaked through every coat I own ~ my rain gear has finally given up the ghost, (note to self... order new) and I got wet through the seams on my shoulders. I've only had that particular set since 1977, so I can not figure out why it would be worn out??
O.o **shrug**
heh... :p
It is still kind of ugly, everything dripping wet, water standing in the low spots still. The horses had to spend the night in the big field with just the lean to ~ the barn (75 years or so old) sits in a low spot, and there is always a chance that the river will go through ~ so, we transfered the beasts, filled the spare feed trough in the lean to with enough hay to feed twice the amount of horses that were there, and then opened up the barn ~ picking up everything on the lower floor, leaving the stall gates open for any debris to flow right through.
The barn didn't flood, so this morning I let everyone back in the main field, and now they are eating in the regular manager, on the side of the barn away from the wind. I didn't have any carrots this morning, so I was a bit snubbed... brats. ;)
Took landladys' mother to the airport in the city last night, it was a tiring and a SHIT drive. Glad to do it though, it left my landlady free to wait the arrival of her spouse... they've not seen one another in about a month, he drove in from AK arriving last night while I was taking the mom unit to fly home to AK. :)
They were not even out of bed this morning when I called to let LL know that I'd put everyone back where they belong.
heh... I can't blame them, a month is a very long time!!!
So, the mini crisis has passed, and I must get on with the work situation. It is more for my own sanity than anything, my mother ticked me off for the very last time. She can now stew in her own soup, ya know?
I'm tired, maybe me and the dogs will go for a walk, then a nap.
Wish I knew what was wrong with me, this constant tiredness can not be right.
But then, it has been like this for a LONG time... just is bothering me today, ya know?
off to the races.
:*
It was UGLY. We got 4+ inches of water in 24 hours, something we usually do in January every year, not November. Fortunately, it is warm outside so the ground is soaking up what landed on it, and the rivers have already crested ~ neither of the local ones at or above flood stage. Working out in the downpour to make sure everything was winter ready soaked through every coat I own ~ my rain gear has finally given up the ghost, (note to self... order new) and I got wet through the seams on my shoulders. I've only had that particular set since 1977, so I can not figure out why it would be worn out??
O.o **shrug**
heh... :p
It is still kind of ugly, everything dripping wet, water standing in the low spots still. The horses had to spend the night in the big field with just the lean to ~ the barn (75 years or so old) sits in a low spot, and there is always a chance that the river will go through ~ so, we transfered the beasts, filled the spare feed trough in the lean to with enough hay to feed twice the amount of horses that were there, and then opened up the barn ~ picking up everything on the lower floor, leaving the stall gates open for any debris to flow right through.
The barn didn't flood, so this morning I let everyone back in the main field, and now they are eating in the regular manager, on the side of the barn away from the wind. I didn't have any carrots this morning, so I was a bit snubbed... brats. ;)
Took landladys' mother to the airport in the city last night, it was a tiring and a SHIT drive. Glad to do it though, it left my landlady free to wait the arrival of her spouse... they've not seen one another in about a month, he drove in from AK arriving last night while I was taking the mom unit to fly home to AK. :)
They were not even out of bed this morning when I called to let LL know that I'd put everyone back where they belong.
heh... I can't blame them, a month is a very long time!!!
So, the mini crisis has passed, and I must get on with the work situation. It is more for my own sanity than anything, my mother ticked me off for the very last time. She can now stew in her own soup, ya know?
I'm tired, maybe me and the dogs will go for a walk, then a nap.
Wish I knew what was wrong with me, this constant tiredness can not be right.
But then, it has been like this for a LONG time... just is bothering me today, ya know?
off to the races.
:*
11 November 2008
veterans day
I wish that I could say in mere words, how much Veterans Day means to me. It saddens me that through out the years the emphasis has fallen off, which is just like normal for humans... take for granted what one has, eh?
I hope that no one will ever forget completely, and that when I am gone, my own children will remember, even if no one else does.
So I want to say thanks to every single one of the men and women that have served in the past years, and to everyone else that is out there now...
Even though we will never meet, I send my love and eternal gratitude to you all, and I appreciate you more than you will ever know.
(hugs) and loves
sue
I hope that no one will ever forget completely, and that when I am gone, my own children will remember, even if no one else does.
So I want to say thanks to every single one of the men and women that have served in the past years, and to everyone else that is out there now...
Even though we will never meet, I send my love and eternal gratitude to you all, and I appreciate you more than you will ever know.
(hugs) and loves
sue
10 November 2008
cranky
I must be extra tired or something, cuz I feel very cranky. After I feed the horses this morning I am going to go back to bed!
would that I could...
I didn't do much yesterday, just helped my sister finish the fence here at my moms house, then I shoveled poo for Mr Shitzalot, and spread some straw on the worst of the wet spots. I was going to spread some in the stall itself, but I am going to wait and see what he does with the straw that is out in the yard. I THINK he has it figured to poop in the straw... If my theory proves out, I will have to find something else for "bedding" in the stall area. Currently it is just dry dusty earth ~ but it sucks the extra moisture out of his hoof and frog, so... it is okay for now.
It is odd that I do not mind doing things for my critters, but I hate doing things for people. I kinda figure that this is because critters don't hurt my feelings, nor my psyche intentionally ~ like people do. I find myself drawing inside me, and not wanting to come out. Of the jobs that I can do, most of them involve customer service of some kind, meaning people contact, and the stupidity that comes with that...
Humans are (by and large) self centered, and I find that pretty much all I come across think that they deserve my best efforts without ever saying thank you, or screw you for that matter... to most, I am a non entity... there for decoration and to whine at about how bad their husband treats them.
**sigh**
I do NOT want to work in anything that has to do with the public right now ~ I want to work behind the scenes, in a cubical somewhere, where I can get paid, and be under appreciated by the company without having to be noticeably treated like crap all the time.
**sigh**
I find myself wanting to hide from the world, and everyone in it.
**shrug**
went out with a gentleman I have known since we were kids together in the first grade... I was hugely disappointed when at the end of the night, he wanted to come in... for the night!
Safe to say I will not go out on date anyone from here anymore! Only once did I have fun with anyone on a date ~ that person didn't want to come in, didn't want a kiss on the first date ~ I didn't kiss him for an entire month of dates, and when we did, it was on a rock in the middle of noplace, with just the horses lookin' on ~ actually, the horses didn't give a crap, they were eating new grass...
Sadly, he lives in Maine now. (i.e. he isn't from here...)
so...yeah.
It is about time to go feed the ponies ~ they do not get to get out until this afternoon today, the vet is coming at noon ~ or one thirty, I don't know which.
As I read back through this for mistakes, all I see is the cynicism that is taking over my life...
bad news.
**sigh**
I think I need more coffee...
would that I could...
I didn't do much yesterday, just helped my sister finish the fence here at my moms house, then I shoveled poo for Mr Shitzalot, and spread some straw on the worst of the wet spots. I was going to spread some in the stall itself, but I am going to wait and see what he does with the straw that is out in the yard. I THINK he has it figured to poop in the straw... If my theory proves out, I will have to find something else for "bedding" in the stall area. Currently it is just dry dusty earth ~ but it sucks the extra moisture out of his hoof and frog, so... it is okay for now.
It is odd that I do not mind doing things for my critters, but I hate doing things for people. I kinda figure that this is because critters don't hurt my feelings, nor my psyche intentionally ~ like people do. I find myself drawing inside me, and not wanting to come out. Of the jobs that I can do, most of them involve customer service of some kind, meaning people contact, and the stupidity that comes with that...
Humans are (by and large) self centered, and I find that pretty much all I come across think that they deserve my best efforts without ever saying thank you, or screw you for that matter... to most, I am a non entity... there for decoration and to whine at about how bad their husband treats them.
**sigh**
I do NOT want to work in anything that has to do with the public right now ~ I want to work behind the scenes, in a cubical somewhere, where I can get paid, and be under appreciated by the company without having to be noticeably treated like crap all the time.
**sigh**
I find myself wanting to hide from the world, and everyone in it.
**shrug**
went out with a gentleman I have known since we were kids together in the first grade... I was hugely disappointed when at the end of the night, he wanted to come in... for the night!
Safe to say I will not go out on date anyone from here anymore! Only once did I have fun with anyone on a date ~ that person didn't want to come in, didn't want a kiss on the first date ~ I didn't kiss him for an entire month of dates, and when we did, it was on a rock in the middle of noplace, with just the horses lookin' on ~ actually, the horses didn't give a crap, they were eating new grass...
Sadly, he lives in Maine now. (i.e. he isn't from here...)
so...yeah.
It is about time to go feed the ponies ~ they do not get to get out until this afternoon today, the vet is coming at noon ~ or one thirty, I don't know which.
As I read back through this for mistakes, all I see is the cynicism that is taking over my life...
bad news.
**sigh**
I think I need more coffee...
08 November 2008
day is done
thank the powers that be. I am sooo tired from yesterday still! I didn't do much, just ran errands the hadn't been done, did laundry, waited for a doc appt. did the dishes....wait. Guess I DID do something after all.
Today, I got up, fed my horse, fed my kitties, put my horse out to pasture, tried to nap, went to the city with my mom to get bedding straw, we fought our way through walmart, and then? I got home.
and then?
Fed my horse, put him to bed, then came back here to the house, fed the Baby Kitty, fed Old Cat, started my laundry, and as soon as I am done here on the computer, I am going to feed my dogs.
Then?
I am DONE.
Done done done done done.
Seems awfully early to be done, but hey, it isn't MY fault that standard time is soooo weird that it is nearly dark by 4:30 in the afternoon! I blame Benjamin Franklin!!!
heh...the man was a genius! We all know why he'd want darkness earlier...
oh come on, I'm talking about the PUBS! He wanted to hit the PUBS early!!
Some people...shees!
;)
Today, I got up, fed my horse, fed my kitties, put my horse out to pasture, tried to nap, went to the city with my mom to get bedding straw, we fought our way through walmart, and then? I got home.
and then?
Fed my horse, put him to bed, then came back here to the house, fed the Baby Kitty, fed Old Cat, started my laundry, and as soon as I am done here on the computer, I am going to feed my dogs.
Then?
I am DONE.
Done done done done done.
Seems awfully early to be done, but hey, it isn't MY fault that standard time is soooo weird that it is nearly dark by 4:30 in the afternoon! I blame Benjamin Franklin!!!
heh...the man was a genius! We all know why he'd want darkness earlier...
oh come on, I'm talking about the PUBS! He wanted to hit the PUBS early!!
Some people...shees!
;)
07 November 2008
Holy moly batman...!
wow. It is 8 of the evening, and I am MORE than ready for bed tonight! On a whim, I went by my other mothers ~ turns out it was more than fortuitous.
She has been having dizzy/lightheaded problems yet again, (long story) and I MADE her go to the doctor ~ so we spent the after noon visiting the doctor, eating lunch, and doing her errands.
I think that we have it down that she is not eating correctly again ~ and the food she has is not a complete meal, she has to heat/microwave/back/scorch more than one time, which she is generally to tired to do ~ so she just eats a bowl of soup (mostly broth) or a roll of biscuits, or some other stupid thing. Makes for a bad thing for her ~
Now, she has some telly type dinners, and they aren't to high in sodium, and complete meals ~ one serving of at least a vegetable, and protein on the thing. I've got her some of the microwaveable veggies from Birdseye, and so she can add those for variety ~
I do not know that I care for her physician ~ but at least she had some blood drawn to be sure her potassium isn't all messed up again.
I have no thoughts to add for myself tonight, the day wore me out.
:)
She has been having dizzy/lightheaded problems yet again, (long story) and I MADE her go to the doctor ~ so we spent the after noon visiting the doctor, eating lunch, and doing her errands.
I think that we have it down that she is not eating correctly again ~ and the food she has is not a complete meal, she has to heat/microwave/back/scorch more than one time, which she is generally to tired to do ~ so she just eats a bowl of soup (mostly broth) or a roll of biscuits, or some other stupid thing. Makes for a bad thing for her ~
Now, she has some telly type dinners, and they aren't to high in sodium, and complete meals ~ one serving of at least a vegetable, and protein on the thing. I've got her some of the microwaveable veggies from Birdseye, and so she can add those for variety ~
I do not know that I care for her physician ~ but at least she had some blood drawn to be sure her potassium isn't all messed up again.
I have no thoughts to add for myself tonight, the day wore me out.
:)
06 November 2008
icky snowy rainy gray dull drippy morning...
Budmans new digs :)
the dark days make me grumpy ~ I have those fancy schmancy light bulbs that are supposed to simulate the sun, but I think that someone sold me a bunch of hooey. They are all on at any rate, so... yeah. Maybe it will help.
I have a few things to do outdoors, today, as yesterday I went with my mom and we did her shopping and chores in the city ~ The main thing was to get the snow tires on the big truck ~ that included sitting and having breakfast (oh bummer) and then finishing the wait quite pleasantly visiting with a wonderful woman I used to work with (another long story)so today, I will get the tires into the shed, fill the shed the rest of the way with the rest of the yard stuff that has been waiting for the tires to be done so they could be put away for the winter...
and then??
I will be stone cold and have to spend the rest of the day indoors.
Oh wait, I have to take the rest of my "horse" accoutrement's to the barn where Bud is now living. :) Should not be TO hard, but I never know how much work something is until I get on it. I feel a bit achy this morning, but not like "normal" ~
I am seriously grumpy though, so that is not good.
Starting to snow now. Time to get my butt moving.
:)
05 November 2008
now what
???
End of the day, I was with my mother all day... I am happy that I only do this once every TWO weeks with my mom ~ My other mother (my ex's mom) I do it every week.
**sigh**
I happy that the election is over, it is hard not to catch "obama" fever, ya know? Whilst I have my reservations about how good of job he is going to do, I have my hopes now too.
I was so tired of the whole thing that I shut my telly off, and I didn't know who one until my mom went to bed at 10 o'clock ~ so.. Yay! we start a new era now.
I'm feeling lousy, so I am off to bed.
:*
End of the day, I was with my mother all day... I am happy that I only do this once every TWO weeks with my mom ~ My other mother (my ex's mom) I do it every week.
**sigh**
I happy that the election is over, it is hard not to catch "obama" fever, ya know? Whilst I have my reservations about how good of job he is going to do, I have my hopes now too.
I was so tired of the whole thing that I shut my telly off, and I didn't know who one until my mom went to bed at 10 o'clock ~ so.. Yay! we start a new era now.
I'm feeling lousy, so I am off to bed.
:*
04 November 2008
wisdom
"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."
Mark Twain 1835-1910
Mark Twain 1835-1910
03 November 2008
morning is half gone...
or do I have the two-thirds of the day left?
**shrug** I do not know the answer to that. I am worried, worn out and edging toward angry.
Some of my anger has to do with the weather, I was an idiot and got myself thoroughly chilled this morning while feeding the horses. Some of it has to do with the worry that I will not get a job in time to continue paying my mom for that stupid stupid stupid purchase I made in May... Part of it is being so worn out and tired and not understanding WHY I am this way ~ though I am fairly certain that it has to do with my physical self not having any reserves, and I can not bring myself to run up more in the way of medical bills at places I already owe thousands of dollars.
**sigh** yeah, I get the "whatever" thing going, and while I do know that someone out there cares ~ not in my immediate realm mind you ~ I can't care. I can't care that I do not have medical help. I can not care that I do not have a job.
If I did, I'd worry myself to death over it all.
yes, I know I am weird. I don't care.
Time to ignore the pain, the tiredness, and keep going. I resent that in a way, but if I drop dead, who cares?
I can't.
I mean... I don't, not really. Because all the pain would be gone, all the hurt would be gone, all the loneliness would be gone...
**sigh**
Do not judge, lest ye be judged by the same ruler.
WHAT is the matter with me? Why this funk? when will I get out? HOW will I get out?
there is no who. I haven't a who. I could use a who. *sigh*
Guess I had better figure things out. :p
**shrug** I do not know the answer to that. I am worried, worn out and edging toward angry.
Some of my anger has to do with the weather, I was an idiot and got myself thoroughly chilled this morning while feeding the horses. Some of it has to do with the worry that I will not get a job in time to continue paying my mom for that stupid stupid stupid purchase I made in May... Part of it is being so worn out and tired and not understanding WHY I am this way ~ though I am fairly certain that it has to do with my physical self not having any reserves, and I can not bring myself to run up more in the way of medical bills at places I already owe thousands of dollars.
**sigh** yeah, I get the "whatever" thing going, and while I do know that someone out there cares ~ not in my immediate realm mind you ~ I can't care. I can't care that I do not have medical help. I can not care that I do not have a job.
If I did, I'd worry myself to death over it all.
yes, I know I am weird. I don't care.
Time to ignore the pain, the tiredness, and keep going. I resent that in a way, but if I drop dead, who cares?
I can't.
I mean... I don't, not really. Because all the pain would be gone, all the hurt would be gone, all the loneliness would be gone...
**sigh**
Do not judge, lest ye be judged by the same ruler.
WHAT is the matter with me? Why this funk? when will I get out? HOW will I get out?
there is no who. I haven't a who. I could use a who. *sigh*
Guess I had better figure things out. :p
02 November 2008
First Sunday
Here it is, only 7:15 in the morning and I've already been up for an hour. Do not know why, but I am always surprised at how easy it is to sleep the "extra" hour. I got up at 6:30 still, but with the switch, it was MUCH easier. :) Of course, I went to be an hour earlier too, without meaning to, so ... yeah. The easy won't last.
I can take THAT to the bank.
Gray and ugly outside, it rained off and on all night. The Weather Channel says that it is going to be okay this week, local forecasters say that it is going to get ugly on this side of the cascades. As nearly all things are finished here at the house, that is fine with me. Since we will finish the fence today, whats' left would be to tarp up the camper and the spare truck, and a new cover on the old boat. I suppose we could rake the leaves, but... if it snows first, that it a moot point. (**thinks snow, thinks snow**)
Off to feed the pony.
:*
I can take THAT to the bank.
Gray and ugly outside, it rained off and on all night. The Weather Channel says that it is going to be okay this week, local forecasters say that it is going to get ugly on this side of the cascades. As nearly all things are finished here at the house, that is fine with me. Since we will finish the fence today, whats' left would be to tarp up the camper and the spare truck, and a new cover on the old boat. I suppose we could rake the leaves, but... if it snows first, that it a moot point. (**thinks snow, thinks snow**)
Off to feed the pony.
:*
01 November 2008
and today...
We got most of the holes dug for the fence, put the poles in and back filled them with cement, and moved the camper so that the tongue is facing the wrong way so that people can't just pull in and drive away from the house with the camper...
of course, I was the muscle to pick it up, and my sister was the power. Sister was hilarious, she says "who needs men?" when we were done. :) She, just so you know, is happily married...
man, I am so tired. I am going to take a LOT of ibuprofen this evening, and I am going to sleep well. My barn landlord put my critters in for me, so I am home for the night.
**does a happy dance**
I love my barn landlord...
Speaking of barns, t2k's horse is now residing in a barn close to the ex spousal units. Actually, the barn is the rental for his ex girlfriend ~ I hope that goes okay for everyone. T2k horse is a crippled up old man, and we are hoping that some good care, good food, and proper exercise will help him out. Joint supplements are in order I think, and if they help? great. If not? he isn't any worse than he was this time last week/month/year.
I feel ... lost still today, though it was a full and busy day. I'm cold, and that is not a good thing, but my tea is helping. I don't like to think that I am getting old, but I AM... **sigh**
Now that Halloween is over, the Christmas shift begins. I like Christmas, but I would like to see that Thanksgiving got more attention ~
I have some harvest things up, and will enjoy them whilst it is the Turkey season.
**yawn** I'm tired, I want to go to bed.
of course, I was the muscle to pick it up, and my sister was the power. Sister was hilarious, she says "who needs men?" when we were done. :) She, just so you know, is happily married...
man, I am so tired. I am going to take a LOT of ibuprofen this evening, and I am going to sleep well. My barn landlord put my critters in for me, so I am home for the night.
**does a happy dance**
I love my barn landlord...
Speaking of barns, t2k's horse is now residing in a barn close to the ex spousal units. Actually, the barn is the rental for his ex girlfriend ~ I hope that goes okay for everyone. T2k horse is a crippled up old man, and we are hoping that some good care, good food, and proper exercise will help him out. Joint supplements are in order I think, and if they help? great. If not? he isn't any worse than he was this time last week/month/year.
I feel ... lost still today, though it was a full and busy day. I'm cold, and that is not a good thing, but my tea is helping. I don't like to think that I am getting old, but I AM... **sigh**
Now that Halloween is over, the Christmas shift begins. I like Christmas, but I would like to see that Thanksgiving got more attention ~
I have some harvest things up, and will enjoy them whilst it is the Turkey season.
**yawn** I'm tired, I want to go to bed.
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